Great Female Comebacks

   Man:   "Haven't we met before?"

   Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

   

   Man:   "Haven't I seen you someplace before?

   Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

   

   Man:    "Is this seat empty?"

   Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

   

   Man:   "So, wanna go back to my place ?"

   Woman: "Well, I don't know.  Will two people fit under a rock?"

   

   Man:   "Your place or mine?"

   Woman: "Both.  You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

   

   Man:   "I'd like to call you.  What's your number?"

   Woman: "It's in the phone book."

   

   Man:   "But I don't know your name."

   Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

   

   Man:    "So what do you do for a living?"

   Woman:  "I'm a female impersonator."

   

   Man:   "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

   Woman: "Do not Enter"

   

   Man:   "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

   Woman: "Unfertilized !"

   

   Man:   "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"

   Woman: "Yeah!  Let's pick up some chicks!"

   

   Man:   "I know how to please a woman."

   Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

   

   Man:   "I want to give myself to you."

   Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

   

   Man:   "I can tell that you want me."

   Woman: "Ohhhh.  You're so right.  I want you to leave."

   

   Man:   "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:

   Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

   

   Man:   "Your body is like a temple."

   Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

   

   Man:   "I'd go through anything for you."

   Woman: "Good!  Let's start with your bank account."

   

   Man:   "I would go to the end of the world for you.

   Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

   

Tradition of the Irish

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three

pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes
them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat
after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought
one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here
in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that
we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and
leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always
drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks
them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other
regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your
great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light
dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no." he says,
"Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

A cannibal's menu

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

 Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
Tourist:                                                         $5.00
Broiled  Missionary:                                    $10.00
Fried  Explorer:                                           $15.00
Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican:    $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

Enlightment about service

I  became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue  'Service' 
U.S. Postal  'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service' 
Civil  'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!!  It all came into focus.  Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.  

You are now as enlightened as I am.