Thundering native drums in the jungle...

The guide was leading the hunter through the jungle and thundering native drums were  everywhere.  The hunter remarked, "Those drums scare the shit out of me."
The guide replied, "Don't worry about drums."
The party continued on only to hear the drums increase their tempo and volume.  The hunter  said, "Those drums are getting louder!  Are you sure everything's okay?"
The guide answered, "Don't worry about drums."
After a few more minutes, the drums abruptly stopped.  The hunter rejoiced, "Those damned  drums have finally stopped!".
The guide said, "Better worry now."
"Why?", asked the hunter.
The guide answered, "Now come Bass solo."

The sax player died and went to heaven.  After he entered the pearly gates, he was directed by  St. Peter to the local jazz band's rehearsal studio.  When he walked into the studio, the sax player was overjoyed to see that in the sax section were John Coltrane, Cannonball Adderly, and Jerry Mulligan. The rest of the group was made up of equally great players, including the leader of the band, Duke Ellington.  The sax player was so overcome with joy at the prospect of playing with such great musicians he exclaimed to Duke, "What a band!  It must be great to conduct a group like this!"
Duke Ellington replied, "Yeah. Well...It's okay, I guess."
The sax player was shocked.  He asked, "How can you say that?  This band has all of  the greatest musicians there ever were!  What's wrong?"
Duke Ellington replied, "Well, you see...God's got this girlfriend, and she sings..."

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater  where his house used to be.  The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned it down."
The violist replied, "You're kidding!  The conductor came to my house?"

A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically.  The conductor asked the violist, "What's wrong?"
The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs."
The conductor replies, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about.  Why are you crying?"
To which the violist replies, "He won't tell me which one!!"

What is the difference between...
.. A french horn and a lawnmower?
You can tune a lawnmower.

.. A clarinet and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.

 .. A saxophone and a chainsaw?
The grip.

.. An accordion and a trampoline?
You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.