A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
Serious woman
If you were around in 1919
(just before prohibition started)
And came upon the following poster...
I mean seriously, would you quit drinking?
(just before prohibition started)
And came upon the following poster...
I mean seriously, would you quit drinking?
Taking a woman to bed
What is the difference between girls/women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
World's shortest fairy tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
Misunderstanding...
The lesbians who live next door gave me a Timex for my birthday.
Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch".
Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch".
Limbless on the beach
A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach
one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of
a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You
poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed
have you?"
The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends
down and plants a good one right on the mouth.
A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up.
"You look like you need a hug," she says.
He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great
one, and walks away.
A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks
by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks
down at him.
"Mister," she says, "Have you ever been screwed?"
"No," he says with a hopeful grin.
"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."
one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of
a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You
poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed
have you?"
The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends
down and plants a good one right on the mouth.
A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up.
"You look like you need a hug," she says.
He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great
one, and walks away.
A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks
by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks
down at him.
"Mister," she says, "Have you ever been screwed?"
"No," he says with a hopeful grin.
"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."
How to get to Heaven in Ireland
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they
Understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and
Gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything
Tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.
' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children,
And loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy shouted out 'YUV GOTTAE BE FOOCKN' DEAD..........'
Understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and
Gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything
Tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.
' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children,
And loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy shouted out 'YUV GOTTAE BE FOOCKN' DEAD..........'
Marriage and Nostalgia
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then? 'he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses... The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have been released today.'
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then? 'he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses... The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... 'I would have been released today.'
Slowing down vs stopping
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the blazes out of the lawyer and says, 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.' The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the blazes out of the lawyer and says, 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
A little girl's prayer
A little girl's prayer:
“Dear God, in this year of need, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer......!”
Amen
“Dear God, in this year of need, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer......!”
Amen
Day at the track
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"
"Your horse called."
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"
"Your horse called."
At the vet
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet's office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane.
The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?"
The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The Schnauzer asks the poodle, "Why are you here?"
The Poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking
all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here.
The Great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. "
The Poodle asks, "So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?"
The Great Dane says, "No, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."
The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?"
The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The Schnauzer asks the poodle, "Why are you here?"
The Poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking
all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here.
The Great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. "
The Poodle asks, "So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?"
The Great Dane says, "No, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."
You are Obsessed
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, The fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, The fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to George Bush
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls Bush and tells
him, "Bush, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America,
the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks.
Mahmoud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Bush says, "You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you called, because
believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all
of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house
flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmoud asks.
Bush replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew.
him, "Bush, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America,
the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks.
Mahmoud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
Bush says, "You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you called, because
believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all
of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house
flew an enormous banner."
"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmoud asks.
Bush replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew.
Cheney Starts Pro-Torture Facebook Page
Cheney Starts Pro-Torture Facebook Page
Creates Social Network for Waterboarding Fans
In his most aggressive public relations move since leaving office, former Vice President Dick Cheney today established a Facebook page for fans of torture.
In recent weeks, Mr. Cheney has been speaking out in praise of such controversial interrogation tactics as waterboarding, but in establishing his Facebook page the vice president seems to be attempting something far more amibitious: creating a social network for torture fans everywhere.
"This is a place where fans of waterboarding can meet, chat, and yes, hook up," Mr. Cheney told Fox News host Sean Hannity last night.
The former vice president extolled his torture fan page as a dating site, telling Mr. Hannity, "This way when you go out on a date with somebody you know going in how he or she feels about waterboarding. I think that's important in building a long-term and hopefully loving relationship. It's certainly something Lynne and I share."
But based on the tepid early response to Mr. Cheney's torture fan page - only he and his wife Lynne have signed up to date - the vice-president may face obstacles in creating a social network of waterboarding fans.
"I can't think of a creepier place to hook up with someone than a site that Dick Cheney is involved in," said Tracy Klugian, 27, of Madison, Wisconsin. "I'd feel like someone was always watching me."
At the White House, Vice President Joe Biden was harshly critical of his predecessor's remarks on torture, telling reporters, "Dick Cheney had eight years to run his mouth without thinking. That's my job now."
Creates Social Network for Waterboarding Fans
In his most aggressive public relations move since leaving office, former Vice President Dick Cheney today established a Facebook page for fans of torture.
In recent weeks, Mr. Cheney has been speaking out in praise of such controversial interrogation tactics as waterboarding, but in establishing his Facebook page the vice president seems to be attempting something far more amibitious: creating a social network for torture fans everywhere.
"This is a place where fans of waterboarding can meet, chat, and yes, hook up," Mr. Cheney told Fox News host Sean Hannity last night.
The former vice president extolled his torture fan page as a dating site, telling Mr. Hannity, "This way when you go out on a date with somebody you know going in how he or she feels about waterboarding. I think that's important in building a long-term and hopefully loving relationship. It's certainly something Lynne and I share."
But based on the tepid early response to Mr. Cheney's torture fan page - only he and his wife Lynne have signed up to date - the vice-president may face obstacles in creating a social network of waterboarding fans.
"I can't think of a creepier place to hook up with someone than a site that Dick Cheney is involved in," said Tracy Klugian, 27, of Madison, Wisconsin. "I'd feel like someone was always watching me."
At the White House, Vice President Joe Biden was harshly critical of his predecessor's remarks on torture, telling reporters, "Dick Cheney had eight years to run his mouth without thinking. That's my job now."
Memorial Plaque
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed little Alex standing in the
foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with
names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
priest walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good
morning Alex.'
'Good morning Father,' he replied, still focused on the plaque.
'Father, what is this?'
The priest said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and
women who died in the service.'
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear
asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00?
foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with
names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
priest walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good
morning Alex.'
'Good morning Father,' he replied, still focused on the plaque.
'Father, what is this?'
The priest said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and
women who died in the service.'
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear
asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00?
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