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IRS audit Grandpa - Very funny!

The  IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to  the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not  surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir,  you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, Which you explain by  saying that you win moneygambling. I'm not sure  the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a  great gambler, and I can prove it,' says  Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'

The  auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go  ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a  thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and  says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his  glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you  two thousand dollars that I can bite
my other  eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa  isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa  removes his dentures and bites his good  eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he  has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandpa's  attorney as a witness. He starts to get  nervous..

'Want to go double or nothing?'  Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars  that I can stand on one side of your desk, and  pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and  never get a drop anywhere in
 between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is  cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides  there's no way this old guy could possibly  manage that stunt,
so he agrees  again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and  unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the  wastebasket on the other
side, so he pretty much  urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The  auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has  just turned a major
loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and  puts his head in his hands.
'Are you  okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,'  says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa  told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet  me twenty-five thousand dollars
that he could  come in here and piss all over your desk and  that you'd
be happy about it!'

I keep  telling you! Don't Mess with Old  People!!

Secret behind GOD's creation!

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? Tha t's a pretty long time to perform.How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created  Human   and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Actual court room quotations - very funny

The following quotations are taken from official court records
showing how funny and embarrassing it is that recorders operate at all times in courts of law,
so that even the slightest inadvertence is preserved for posterity.

    * Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

    * Lawyer: "What happened then?"
    * Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
    * Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
    * Witness: "No."

    * Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
    * Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

    * Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
    * Witness: "I only have one, you know."

    * Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
    * Witness: "By death."
    * Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

    * Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

    * Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
    * Witness: "July 15th."
    * Lawyer: "What year?"
    * Witness: "Every year."

    * Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"
    * Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

    * Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
    * Witness: "Yes."
    * Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
    * Witness: "I forget."
    * Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

    * Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
    * Witness: "No."
    * Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
    * Witness: "No."
    * Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
    * Witness: "No."
    * Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
    * Witness: "No."
    * Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
    * Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
    * Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
    * Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Actual diagnosis on patient charts

You wouldn't think there were so many ways to misstate a health problem.
The following are comments from doctors as recorded on patient charts.

-----------------------------------------

"The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
"The patient refused an autopsy."
"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
"Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
"Patient was alert and unresponsive."
"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."
 "Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
"Skin: Somewhat pale but present."
"Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."
"By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."
"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
"Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."
"The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."
"The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."

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