CAT assistance
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.. He kept increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
An hour later.... The man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.
Frustrated the man said," Put that damn cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions to reach home!!!
Moral:
"How much ever we dislike somebody, someday we will need their assistance. So never worry how many people dislike you ... "
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.. He kept increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
An hour later.... The man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.
Frustrated the man said," Put that damn cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions to reach home!!!
Moral:
"How much ever we dislike somebody, someday we will need their assistance. So never worry how many people dislike you ... "
Funny Embarrassing Moments
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter..
Amy Richardson
Stafford, Virginia
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again...
Tim Cahill
Poughkeepsie, New York
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got of the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SU- PERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER???"
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school".
Amy Richardson
Stafford, Virginia
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again...
Tim Cahill
Poughkeepsie, New York
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got of the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SU- PERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER???"
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school".
Dumb Laws
In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.
It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job-- for men only-- called a corset inspector.)
However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.
Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio-- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't"
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
Philippe D. Nave, Jr. | We're sorry - all our .sigs are busy right now.
Denver, Colorado USA | Please re-read this message, and the next available
It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job-- for men only-- called a corset inspector.)
However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.
Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio-- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't"
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
Philippe D. Nave, Jr. | We're sorry - all our .sigs are busy right now.
Denver, Colorado USA | Please re-read this message, and the next available
Wisdom from the Bathroom Wall
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.
I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Mass.
If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
Smoky Joe's, Philadelphia, Penna.
Remember, it's not "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?".
Rest stop off Route 81, W. Va.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men's restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.
To do is to be. (Descartes) To be is to do. (Voltaire) Do be do be do. (Frank Sinatra)
Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Ariz.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Ariz.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both - get married!
Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Mont.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books, New York, N.Y.
A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.
JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
Men's restroom, American University, Washington, D.C.
If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, D.C.
Express Lane: Five beers or less. Sign over one of the urinals.
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz.
You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,Calif.
No wonder you always go home alone. Sign over mirror in men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,Calif.
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, Ky.
Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.
I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Mass.
If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
Smoky Joe's, Philadelphia, Penna.
Remember, it's not "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?".
Rest stop off Route 81, W. Va.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men's restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.
To do is to be. (Descartes) To be is to do. (Voltaire) Do be do be do. (Frank Sinatra)
Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Ariz.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Ariz.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both - get married!
Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Mont.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books, New York, N.Y.
A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.
JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
Men's restroom, American University, Washington, D.C.
If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, D.C.
Express Lane: Five beers or less. Sign over one of the urinals.
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz.
You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,Calif.
No wonder you always go home alone. Sign over mirror in men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,Calif.
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, Ky.
Political Car
I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive -- just to drive one before they become extinct.
The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the
winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
I stated the car must be a (pick a party: Republican/Democrat) car.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was that kind car.
I explained that if it were a the other kind of car, the seats would blow smoke up your butt year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership.
The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all its wonderful options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the
winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
I stated the car must be a (pick a party: Republican/Democrat) car.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was that kind car.
I explained that if it were a the other kind of car, the seats would blow smoke up your butt year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership.
The Wedding test
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day the 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day the 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
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