Seat Belt

The New Traffic Camera

Two weeks ago I was driving home, at night, when I saw the flash of the new traffic camera the city just installed to made a little extra money after the camera company gets their cut.

I figured my picture had been taken for exceeding the speeding  limit, even though I knew I was not speeding...

So just to be sure I was not dreaming I went around the block and again passed the same spot, this time driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now this began to be quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

I tried it a fourth time with the same result.

I did it a fifth time and was now laughing historically when the camera flashed as I rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...


Today, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt!

X and Y

POPE AND BOSS
Q: What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
A: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

MEN AND BANKS
Q: What do men and money in the bank have in common?
A: Both lose interest after withdrawal.

50 AND 50
Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: One hundred people who don't do dick.

MEN AND BULBS
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him. Or three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him
brag about the screwing part.

CATS AND DOGS
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.

GOATS AND GOLDFISH
Q: What's the difference between a goat and a goldfish?
A: A goldfish mucks about in fountains.

CHURCH AND BATHTUB
Q: What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?
A: One has hope in her soul.

LONG AND HARD
Q: What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A: A new last name.

GUTS AND BALLS
What's the difference between "guts" and "balls"? Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next."

GOOD AND GREAT
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

BROWN AND STICKY
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

BROWN OR BLUE
An elderly woman is upset at her husband's funeral. "You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit," she says. The mortician replies, "We'll take care of it, ma'am." He then yells to a maintenance man nearby, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

CATS AND DOGS
A dog thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. They must be Gods!" A cat thinks, "Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me. I must be a God!"

NEW HUSBAND AND NEW DOG
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

OLD WOMAN AND YOUNG WOMAN
Q: What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A: A navel.

WOMEN AND VOLCANOS
Q: What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?
A: A volcano never fakes an eruption.

STUPID AND BEAUTIFUL
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

DISNEY AND VIAGRA
Q: What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

HUSBANDS AND PRISONERS
Q: What's the difference between husbands and prisoners?
A: Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them.

BAR AND G SPOT
Q: What's the difference between a bar and a G spot?
A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

BEFORE AND AFTER
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love. After marriage, it's self-defense.

MEN AND WOMEN
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants a woman for only one need.

UGLY AND PALE
A woman standing naked in front of a bedroom mirror says to her husband, "Honey, I look fat, ugly, and pale. Give me a compliment to cheer me up." The husband thinks for a second and replies, "At least there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

KODAK FILM AND CONDOMS
Q: What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
A: Both capture the moment.

SEX AND PERFORMANCE
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, like a marathon race, does not impair an athlete's abilities. In fact, men have known about this for centuries. Want proof? After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

BILL AND MARY
Bill, Mary, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the edge of a lake. One day, Bill decided he had had enough and set out across the lake in his canoe. Seeing this, Mary hollered out to him, "Bill, what are you doing?" Bill replied "Woman, I'm leaving you!" Mary hollered "But Bill, what about our marriage?" Bill replied, "To hell with the marriage. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling. Mary hollered, "But Bill, what about our beautiful cabin?" Bill replied, "To hell with the cabin. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling. Mary hollered "But Bill, what about our beautiful children?" Bill replied, "To hell with the children, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake. Then Mary hikes up her skirt, points to her privates and yells, "But Bill, what about this?" As Bill slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles, "Someday I'm going to leave that damn woman."

THICKER AND LONGER
A man goes into see his doctor. After all the tests, the doctor comes back into the room and tells the man, "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news." "What's the good news?" asks the man. "Well," says the doctor, "your penis is going to be three inches longer, and two inches thicker." "That's wonderful," says the man. "What's the bad news?" The doctor replies, "It's malignant."
BAD OR TERRIBLE
A man sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said. "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

BIKINIS AND FENCES
Q: How is a bikini like a barbed-wire fence?
A: It protects the property without obstructing the view

PANTIES AND A CURTAIN
Q: What's the difference between a pair of panties and a stage curtain?
A: When you pull down the curtain, the show is over, but when you
pull down the panties, it's showtime!

CONDOMS AND DRAMAMINE
Mr. Schwartz comes home one evening, and his wife greets him at the door. "Melvyn," she says, "I have an idea. Let's you and me take a weeklong cruise. We've got time, the kids are all on their own now, we've got the money, we'll have a great time." "Great idea, honey," says Mr. Schwartz. He runs down to the corner drugstore and says to the young pharmacist, "Eddie, give me seven condoms and seven Dramamine tablets." "Coming right up, Mr. Schwartz," says Eddie. As soon Melvyn gets in the door, his wife is waiting and says, "You know, honey, I've been thinking, why not go for two weeks? We've got no responsibilities, we can get ourselves a nice tan, see those beautiful islands and really relax. What do you say?" "Great idea, honey!" says Mr. Schwartz, and he runs back to the drugstore. "Eddie, give me seven more condoms, and seven more Dramamine tablets," he says. "Coming right up, Mr. Schwartz," he says, and Mr. Schwartz heads back home. As he comes through the door, his wife is there again, and says, "Honey, I've been thinking, let's do this vacation right. Let's go for a whole month." "Great idea, honey," says Mr. Schwartz. Once again he runs down to the pharmacy, and says "Eddie, give me 14 more condoms and 14 more Dramamine tablets." "Mr. Schwartz," says Eddie, "Can I ask you a personal question?" "Sure," says Mr. Schwartz. Eddie asks, "If it makes you so sick, why do you do it so much?"

Interesting Names

A man sees a nice-looking girl in a bar, so he goes up and starts small talk. Since she seems receptive, he asks her name. "Carmen," she replies.
"That's a nice name," he says, warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answers. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she says looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?" the woman asks. "Beervagina," he replies.

Vending Machines

An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan.

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "But down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures, $20." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, "This machine provides a service men need when away from their wives, 50 cents." The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit, which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

Definitely warm

John was talking to his fiancée, Rebecca, and he said,"Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"
To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm." "Really?" he asked excitedly.
"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word warm."
John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "Warm: Not so hot."

iBOOB

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.