What a great monday!

That glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the tube, or sitting on the train, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat.

And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy. For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin.

After months of dull colors and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk.

Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts bra-less in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road...

And you know it is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday.

Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a movable feast. Last year it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above 16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt to 22C on 24 April.

And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year), so that when they're all standing outside All Bar One after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs. It's like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is holding up nipples.

So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps.

As the poet said: one bold Northern slapper in a bikini doth not a summer make.

Folk Remedy

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated the
leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said: "Let me say to you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Annual Dementia Test

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen's test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory  compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.  Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answeR.  Scroll down slowly only after you have given your answer.   OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?












Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself.  If you said, bread, go to Question 2.





2.   Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.'
What do cows drink?

 
 











Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.






3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

 




 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 






Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.  If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.







4.   It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany ).  Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany ... Where would you bury the survivors?   East Germany , West Germany ,
Or no man's land'?





 
 



Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.





5.. Without using a  calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales .   In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In  Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven   ..


Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?


 


 

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?    It was YOU driving the bus!!


If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.



PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!