Random Jokes
A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.
" Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about
sucking my thumb...!!
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Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind
roight now."
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*** Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" .
The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after.
She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean
house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags,
stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.
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Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast
speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her
gob shut.
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Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How
good is that?
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I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you
could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm
f**king having that!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a
farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b '
stard, you're in that feckin basket!"
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Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials
999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is
dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?
" Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about
sucking my thumb...!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind
roight now."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
*** Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" .
The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after.
She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean
house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags,
stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast
speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her
gob shut.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How
good is that?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you
could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm
f**king having that!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a
farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b '
stard, you're in that feckin basket!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials
999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is
dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?
Leave Policy
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: LEAVE POLICY
SICKNESS
No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
*******
AN OPERATION
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
*******
DEATH
Other than your own. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
*******
Your own death
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
*******
ALSO
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation.
SUBJECT: LEAVE POLICY
SICKNESS
No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
*******
AN OPERATION
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
*******
DEATH
Other than your own. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
*******
Your own death
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
*******
ALSO
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation.
Smart Idea
Did you gentlemen, understand the advertisement and the subtle message that it is trying to convey ?
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The Missing Pole - Says It All !!!
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The Missing Pole - Says It All !!!
THINK LIKE A SOFTWARE ENGINEER
THERE IS THIS GOOD OLD BARBER IN LONDON . ONE DAY A FLORIST GOES TO HIM FOR A HAIRCUT. AFTER THE CUT, HE GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AND THE BARBER REPLIES: 'I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE..' THE FLORIST IS HAPPY AND LEAVES THE SHOP.
NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, THERE IS A 'THANK YOU' CARD AND A DOZEN ROSES WAITING AT HIS DOOR.
A POLICEMAN GOES FOR A HAIRCUT AND HE ALSO GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AFTER THE CUT. BUT THE BARBER REPLIES: 'I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE.. THE COP IS HAPPY AND LEAVES THE SHOP.
THE NEXT MORNING THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, THERE IS A THANK YOU CARD AND A DOZEN DONUTS ARE WAITING AT HIS DOOR.
AN SOFTWARE ENGINEER GOES FOR A HAIRCUT AND HE ALSO GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AFTER THE CUT. BUT THE BARBER REPLIES: 'I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE. ' THE SOFTWARE ENGINEER IS HAPPY AND LEAVES..
THE NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, GUESS WHAT HE FINDS THERE...?
CAN YOU GUESS?
TRY TO GUESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS .
COME ON, THINK LIKE A SOFTWARE ENGINEER.... ......... .....
A DOZEN SOFTWARE ENGINEERS WAITING FOR A HAIRCUT!!
--
NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, THERE IS A 'THANK YOU' CARD AND A DOZEN ROSES WAITING AT HIS DOOR.
A POLICEMAN GOES FOR A HAIRCUT AND HE ALSO GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AFTER THE CUT. BUT THE BARBER REPLIES: 'I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE.. THE COP IS HAPPY AND LEAVES THE SHOP.
THE NEXT MORNING THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, THERE IS A THANK YOU CARD AND A DOZEN DONUTS ARE WAITING AT HIS DOOR.
AN SOFTWARE ENGINEER GOES FOR A HAIRCUT AND HE ALSO GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AFTER THE CUT. BUT THE BARBER REPLIES: 'I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING COMMUNITY SERVICE. ' THE SOFTWARE ENGINEER IS HAPPY AND LEAVES..
THE NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, GUESS WHAT HE FINDS THERE...?
CAN YOU GUESS?
TRY TO GUESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS .
COME ON, THINK LIKE A SOFTWARE ENGINEER.... ......... .....
A DOZEN SOFTWARE ENGINEERS WAITING FOR A HAIRCUT!!
--
Overconfidence
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said,
"But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
--
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said,
"But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
--
Special Prayer
A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."
Retired husband's point of view
An article from a near-by newspaper....
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger.. When you notice this, try not to yell at
them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Susie. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for
Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for
extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after
she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I
usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home
from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at
the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some
home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as
soon as we finished eating but now it's not unusual for them to sit on
the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done
before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she
will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly
bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or
worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch
it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so
much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact
is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished
mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her
to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade
and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for
herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However,
guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of
your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing
it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help
each other.
Signed,
RON
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police
report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha
Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of
grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Susie was
arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10
minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron,
somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger.. When you notice this, try not to yell at
them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
wife, Susie. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for
Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for
extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after
she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I
usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home
from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at
the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some
home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as
soon as we finished eating but now it's not unusual for them to sit on
the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really
appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done
before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she
will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly
bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or
worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch
it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so
much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact
is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished
mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her
to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade
and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for
herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However,
guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of
your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing
it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help
each other.
Signed,
RON
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police
report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha
Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of
grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Susie was
arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10
minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron,
somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club
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