Drunk Irishman ( I know that's redundant)
It was a rather loud disturbance in the wee hours of
the morning outside the pub...
An Irishman (Pat, of course) wandered back and forth on
the sidewalk into the street; onto the sidewalk and
back into the street in front of the pub, hollering
and swearing as he stumbled back and forth while holding
half a pint in one hand and a key in the other...
A small crowd begins to grow and, finally, the constables
arrive on the scene. Seeing that what they were dealing
with is one rather inebriated and irate young man, one
approached him and asked, "Can I help you lad?"
"Yesss, schur," the Irishman slurred. "sshumbody stoll
me car!"
"Well now, lad," the constable inquires. "Where was
your car last time you saw it?"
Waiving his hand in the air in front of him, as if to
put it into the ignition, the Irishman "Wey, it was
at the eind of me key."
At about this time the other cop has noticed that the
Irishman's zipper is down -- and it all there to be
seen..., so he quietly asks, "Are you aware that you
are exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down, drops his shoulders woefully
and moans "OOH ME GOD... they got me girl too!!!"
Famous Glorious Insults
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. Wouldn't it be great to be able to come up with retorts like these at the moment you need them???
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
Golf Legend Seizes PR Opportunity
Tiger: At Least I Didn’t Fuck the Entire Gulf of Mexico
NEW YORK – Sensing a public relations opportunity, golf legend Tiger Woods spoke out today on the BP oil spill, telling reporters, “At least I didn’t fuck the entire Gulf of Mexico.”
Initially stunned by his comment, reporters asked Mr. Woods to elaborate on his response to the oil spill crisis.
“I’m just saying, sometimes you can cause a lot more damage by drilling one hole as opposed to a thousand holes,” he said. “I’m just saying.”
Oil spill damage to our fave species
How can the President allow this to continue???!!!
IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU ANGRY...THEN NOTHING WILL !
Dammit this is going too far!!!
This shot shows the serious
damage caused to the wildlife
by the recent BP blowout ...
I feel it is my duty right now to go down
to the coast and help clean the wildlife
with my own two hands.
Will you join me?
IF THIS DOESN'T MAKE YOU ANGRY...THEN NOTHING WILL !
Dammit this is going too far!!!
This shot shows the serious
damage caused to the wildlife
by the recent BP blowout ...
I feel it is my duty right now to go down
to the coast and help clean the wildlife
with my own two hands.
Will you join me?
An answer we all can understand
An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin’ boat!"
YOU JUST HAVE TO LOVE THE IRISH WAY OF THINKING
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin’ boat!"
YOU JUST HAVE TO LOVE THE IRISH WAY OF THINKING
Fishing Story
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. A "cottonmouth" is a water moccasin -- one of the 4 poisonous snakes in North America, and generally the meanest; being more aggressive than rattlesnakes.
Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
Life is good in the South.
Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
Life is good in the South.
Fantastic news from BP
‘Totally Renewable Resource,’ Says CEO
LONDON – In what is being called a game-changer for the embattled oil company, British Petroleum announced today that it has developed a new technology to convert lies into energy.
At a press conference at corporate headquarters in London, BP CEO Tony Hayward said that environmentalists would embrace the new technology “because lies are a totally renewable resource.”
Illustrating the impact of BP’s new technology, Mr. Hayward told reporters, “Over the past month alone, my words could power the city of London for a year.”
But the new technology has its skeptics, including the University of Minnesota’s Davis Logsdon, who warns of the dangers of “lie spills.”
“We have learned from recent BP press conferences that once the lie flow starts, it can be very hard to stop,” he says.
LONDON – In what is being called a game-changer for the embattled oil company, British Petroleum announced today that it has developed a new technology to convert lies into energy.
At a press conference at corporate headquarters in London, BP CEO Tony Hayward said that environmentalists would embrace the new technology “because lies are a totally renewable resource.”
Illustrating the impact of BP’s new technology, Mr. Hayward told reporters, “Over the past month alone, my words could power the city of London for a year.”
But the new technology has its skeptics, including the University of Minnesota’s Davis Logsdon, who warns of the dangers of “lie spills.”
“We have learned from recent BP press conferences that once the lie flow starts, it can be very hard to stop,” he says.
English is a tough language!!!
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word
is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and
fix UP the old car.
At other times this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized
dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now ........my time is UP !
Oh....one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U
P !
Did that one crack you UP?
Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book..or not...it's UP to you.
Don't forget when you're angry at someone it's Up Yours!!!!!
Now I'll shut UP
is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and
fix UP the old car.
At other times this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized
dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now ........my time is UP !
Oh....one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U
P !
Did that one crack you UP?
Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book..or not...it's UP to you.
Don't forget when you're angry at someone it's Up Yours!!!!!
Now I'll shut UP
Difference between California and Texas
Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks dog.
#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.
#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.
#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.
#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.
#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.
#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.
#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.
#8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.
#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.
#10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.
Texas .................................
#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.
Any wonder why California is broke ............................
#1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.
#2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.
#3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.
#4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.
#5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.
#6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.
#7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.
#8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.
#9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.
#10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.
Texas .................................
#1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.
Any wonder why California is broke ............................
Literally it is called BP
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered,
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered,
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