While creating Husbands, God promised Women that perfect Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
And then he made the Earth round.
Thundering native drums in the jungle...
The guide was leading the hunter through the jungle and thundering native drums were everywhere. The hunter remarked, "Those drums scare the shit out of me."
The guide replied, "Don't worry about drums."
The party continued on only to hear the drums increase their tempo and volume. The hunter said, "Those drums are getting louder! Are you sure everything's okay?"
The guide answered, "Don't worry about drums."
After a few more minutes, the drums abruptly stopped. The hunter rejoiced, "Those damned drums have finally stopped!".
The guide said, "Better worry now."
"Why?", asked the hunter.
The guide answered, "Now come Bass solo."
The sax player died and went to heaven. After he entered the pearly gates, he was directed by St. Peter to the local jazz band's rehearsal studio. When he walked into the studio, the sax player was overjoyed to see that in the sax section were John Coltrane, Cannonball Adderly, and Jerry Mulligan. The rest of the group was made up of equally great players, including the leader of the band, Duke Ellington. The sax player was so overcome with joy at the prospect of playing with such great musicians he exclaimed to Duke, "What a band! It must be great to conduct a group like this!"
Duke Ellington replied, "Yeah. Well...It's okay, I guess."
The sax player was shocked. He asked, "How can you say that? This band has all of the greatest musicians there ever were! What's wrong?"
Duke Ellington replied, "Well, you see...God's got this girlfriend, and she sings..."
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned it down."
The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor asked the violist, "What's wrong?"
The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs."
The conductor replies, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?"
To which the violist replies, "He won't tell me which one!!"
What is the difference between...
.. A french horn and a lawnmower?
You can tune a lawnmower.
.. A clarinet and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.
.. A saxophone and a chainsaw?
The grip.
.. An accordion and a trampoline?
You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.
The guide replied, "Don't worry about drums."
The party continued on only to hear the drums increase their tempo and volume. The hunter said, "Those drums are getting louder! Are you sure everything's okay?"
The guide answered, "Don't worry about drums."
After a few more minutes, the drums abruptly stopped. The hunter rejoiced, "Those damned drums have finally stopped!".
The guide said, "Better worry now."
"Why?", asked the hunter.
The guide answered, "Now come Bass solo."
The sax player died and went to heaven. After he entered the pearly gates, he was directed by St. Peter to the local jazz band's rehearsal studio. When he walked into the studio, the sax player was overjoyed to see that in the sax section were John Coltrane, Cannonball Adderly, and Jerry Mulligan. The rest of the group was made up of equally great players, including the leader of the band, Duke Ellington. The sax player was so overcome with joy at the prospect of playing with such great musicians he exclaimed to Duke, "What a band! It must be great to conduct a group like this!"
Duke Ellington replied, "Yeah. Well...It's okay, I guess."
The sax player was shocked. He asked, "How can you say that? This band has all of the greatest musicians there ever were! What's wrong?"
Duke Ellington replied, "Well, you see...God's got this girlfriend, and she sings..."
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned it down."
The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"
A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor asked the violist, "What's wrong?"
The violist answers, "The second oboe loosened one of my tuning pegs."
The conductor replies, "I admit, that seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you crying?"
To which the violist replies, "He won't tell me which one!!"
What is the difference between...
.. A french horn and a lawnmower?
You can tune a lawnmower.
.. A clarinet and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.
.. A saxophone and a chainsaw?
The grip.
.. An accordion and a trampoline?
You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.
Old Age - UK Style
So, you're a sick pensioner and the government says there is no
nursing home available for you - what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are
allowed to shoot 2 MP's and 2 illegal immigrants!
Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3
meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning
and all the health care you need! New teeth - no problem. Need
glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.
(And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now -
monthly ).
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just
told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income
taxes any more.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?
nursing home available for you - what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are
allowed to shoot 2 MP's and 2 illegal immigrants!
Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3
meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning
and all the health care you need! New teeth - no problem. Need
glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.
(And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now -
monthly ).
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just
told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income
taxes any more.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?
Chelsea leaving the nest...
At Chelsea 's wedding on July 31st, Hillary wanted to play the perfect mom.
She asked Chelsea ... "Have you had sex with Marc yet?"
Chelsea very wittingly replied .... "Not according to dad!"
She asked Chelsea ... "Have you had sex with Marc yet?"
Chelsea very wittingly replied .... "Not according to dad!"
Old homesick trucker
An old trucker walks into a brothel and tells the madam,
"I've got five hundred bucks. I want the oldest, ugliest,
smelliest bitch you've got and a ham sandwich."
The madam says, "Sir, for that kind of money, I can
provide a young beautiful experienced woman and a steak
dinner."
The trucker replied, "You don't understand. I'm not
horny, I'm homesick.
"I've got five hundred bucks. I want the oldest, ugliest,
smelliest bitch you've got and a ham sandwich."
The madam says, "Sir, for that kind of money, I can
provide a young beautiful experienced woman and a steak
dinner."
The trucker replied, "You don't understand. I'm not
horny, I'm homesick.
Last Respects
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of
the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees
a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes
his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says:
"Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing
I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35
years."
the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees
a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes
his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says:
"Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing
I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35
years."
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