A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call out from behind a large sand dune saying: "One Marine is better than ten Taliban."
The Taliban Commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out, "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers."
Furious, the Taliban Commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Marine voice calls out, "One Marine is better than one thousand Taliban."
The enraged Taliban Commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune. Cannon, rocket & machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought.
Then silence. Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his Commander: "Don't send any more men, it's a trap!!! There are two of them."
U.S. Marines - Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club
Two hunters in the jungle...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency
services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can
I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies:
"Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's
dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency
services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can
I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies:
"Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's
dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
A redneck and an animal lover
A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her.
"Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Ed, "you gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her.
"Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Ed, "you gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.
Chain Letters
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern.......
---
I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
---
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
---
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
---
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
---
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
---
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
---
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
---
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.
---
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
---
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
---
I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
---
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
---
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.
---
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
---
Now to Return the Favor:
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer. So you'd better get going on that e-mail!!!
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern.......
---
I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
---
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
---
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
---
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
---
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
---
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
---
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
---
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.
---
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
---
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
---
I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
---
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
---
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.
---
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
---
Now to Return the Favor:
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer. So you'd better get going on that e-mail!!!
Shark Attack
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
Funny quotes from bash.org
@ http://bash.org/?349567
Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all...
and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda
standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...
@ http://bash.org/?171987
Im going to be the next hitler
Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
why the clown
See? no one cares about the jews
lmao
@ http://bash.org/?262353
Hey Mike
what?
Pussy.
er?
Pussy.
and?
Pussy.
...
Pussy.
i dont get it
AND YOU NEVER WILL.
bastard
@ http://bash.org/?25464
"There are 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary and those who don't."
That's only 2 types of people, kow.
STUPID
@ http://bash.org/?8814
I gotta go. There's a dude next to me and he's watching me type, which is sort of starting to creep
me out.
Yes dude next to me, I mean you.
@ http://bash.org/?6460
what the fuck is wtf
@ http://bash.org/?376790
Mike3285: wtf is a palindrome
MaroonSand: no its not dude
@ http://bash.org/?214810
whats the complement to a 43 degree angle?
My you're looking "acute" today
fuck you
@ http://bash.org/?352172
I broke my G-string while fingering a minor :(
...
I was trying to play Knocking on Heaven's Door.
Oh well, time to buy new strings.
@ http://bash.org/?1730
If you went camping and you got REALLY drunk with your friend and you
woke up the next morning with a condom stuck up your ass would you tell anybody?
i dont think so
Wanna go camping?
@ http://bash.org/?217453
<@Chin^> My sister caught me jacking off the other week and calls me a pervert
<@Chin^> just the other day i walked into my room and caught my sister masturbating
<@Chin^> So she calls me a pervert again?!?
<@Chin^> there is no justice in the world...
@ http://bash.org/?139697
can you help me install GTA3?
first, shut down all programs you aren't using
frank has quit IRC. (Quit)
...
@ http://bash.org/?628630
I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo
and got mauled
and people were talking about how there should have been better defences put up to prevent people getting into
the cage
a friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent
for example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in
@ http://bash.org/?424487
JstWnnaHveFuN08: do you think i should call a guy friend and talk to him about my problems? or will he not care?
Thilo: Here's how it works: if a guy helps you with your problems, you're obligated to give him a blowjob.
JstWnnaHveFuN08: lol thanks that cheered me up
Thilo: No problem. That'll be one blowjob please.
@ http://bash.org/?367896
Capitalization is the difference between
"I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."
Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all...
and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda
standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...
@ http://bash.org/?171987
@ http://bash.org/?262353
@ http://bash.org/?25464
@ http://bash.org/?8814
me out.
@ http://bash.org/?6460
@ http://bash.org/?376790
Mike3285: wtf is a palindrome
MaroonSand: no its not dude
@ http://bash.org/?214810
@ http://bash.org/?352172
@ http://bash.org/?1730
woke up the next morning with a condom stuck up your ass would you tell anybody?
@ http://bash.org/?217453
<@Chin^> My sister caught me jacking off the other week and calls me a pervert
<@Chin^> just the other day i walked into my room and caught my sister masturbating
<@Chin^> So she calls me a pervert again?!?
<@Chin^> there is no justice in the world...
@ http://bash.org/?139697
frank has quit IRC. (Quit)
@ http://bash.org/?628630
the cage
@ http://bash.org/?424487
JstWnnaHveFuN08: do you think i should call a guy friend and talk to him about my problems? or will he not care?
Thilo: Here's how it works: if a guy helps you with your problems, you're obligated to give him a blowjob.
JstWnnaHveFuN08: lol thanks that cheered me up
Thilo: No problem. That'll be one blowjob please.
@ http://bash.org/?367896
"I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."
Darling wife and Loving Husband
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family:
a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children
are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth
and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that
the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the
truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely,
no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are
his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her
breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children
are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth
and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that
the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the
truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely,
no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are
his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her
breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
Fixing the Computer
After going through a virus attack,
Losing a hard drive,
Fighting off hackers,
Upgrading all my software,
Installing fire-walls,
Being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider,
And a host of other problems...
I have fixed my computer...
And NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!
Losing a hard drive,
Fighting off hackers,
Upgrading all my software,
Installing fire-walls,
Being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider,
And a host of other problems...
I have fixed my computer...
And NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!
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