Insight into history
| In 1923, Who Was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them. The Answers: 1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane. 3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself. 6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death. The Moral: Fuck work. Play golf. |
Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. 6 a.m. is when you get up, NOT when you go to bed.
4. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
5. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
7. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
8. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
9. If you're a woman, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
10. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
] Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. 6 a.m. is when you get up, NOT when you go to bed.
4. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
5. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
7. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
8. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
9. If you're a woman, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
10. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
3. 6 a.m. is when you get up, NOT when you go to bed.
4. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
5. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
7. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
8. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
9. If you're a woman, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
10. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
Deja Booze
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
What a Hawk sees - no man made aircraft even comes close......
This portrays what is BEYOND a Fighter Pilot's wildest dreams!
Is it OK to own a Canadian.......?
Many years ago in her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an
observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to
Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US
man, and posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's
Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them
that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End
of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other
elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male
and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A
friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned
in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a
fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is
in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem
is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it
creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my
neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I
smite them?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally
obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is
an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there
'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if
I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some
wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the
hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by
Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig
makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to
death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.
Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman,
Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia
PS (Sure would be a shame if we couldn't own a Canadian)
Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US
man, and posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's
Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them
that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End
of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other
elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male
and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A
friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned
in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a
fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is
in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem
is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it
creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my
neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I
smite them?
5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath.
Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally
obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is
an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there
'degrees' of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if
I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some
wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the
hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by
Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig
makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to
death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.
Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman,
Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia
PS (Sure would be a shame if we couldn't own a Canadian)
Arab Father/Son Talk
A young Arab asks his father, "What is this weird hat that we are wearing?"
"It's a chechia because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!"
"And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?"
"It's a djbellah because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!"
"And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?"
"These are babouches which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!"
"Tell me, papa..."
"Yes, my son?"
"... Why are we still wearing all this shit now we live in Paris?"
"And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?"
"It's a djbellah because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!"
"And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?"
"These are babouches which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!"
"Tell me, papa..."
"Yes, my son?"
"... Why are we still wearing all this shit now we live in Paris?"
The Key to Survival
"The key to survival was that I paced myself. I never really overdid it. Well, I shouldn't say never; sometimes I was absolutely comatose."
- Keith Richards, rock star, in his 2010 autobiography _Life_.
H.L. Meckin on Politics
When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before.
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.
A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.
A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.
All government, of course, is against liberty.
Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies.
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven.
Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.
Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in.
Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.
Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.
Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.
I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone.
I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time.
I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.
If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.
It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.
Most people want security in this world, not liberty.
No one in this world has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.
The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor.
The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable.
The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.
The worst government is often the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.
A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.
A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.
All government, of course, is against liberty.
Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies.
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
Democracy is only a dream: it should be put in the same category as Arcadia, Santa Claus, and Heaven.
Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.
Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in.
Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.
Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.
Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.
I believe in only one thing: liberty; but I do not believe in liberty enough to want to force it upon anyone.
I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time.
I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.
If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.
It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.
Most people want security in this world, not liberty.
No one in this world has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.
The common argument that crime is caused by poverty is a kind of slander on the poor.
The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out... without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable.
The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.
The worst government is often the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
Feel Smart?
I already knew I was Look carefully at the picture again. "The bus is traveling to the left." "Because you can't see the door to get on the bus." Have a nice day! | ||
|
Quotation of Yesterday
"We've basically decided to keep pumping greenhouse gases into Mother Nature's operating system and take our chances that the results will be benign - even though a vast majority of scientists warn that this will not be so. Fasten your seat belts. As the environmentalist Rob Watson likes to say: "Mother Nature is just chemistry, biology and physics. That's all she is." You cannot sweet-talk her. You cannot spin her. You cannot tell her that the oil companies say climate change is a hoax. No, Mother Nature is going to do whatever chemistry, biology and physics dictate, and "Mother Nature always bats last, and she always bats 1.000," says Watson. Do not mess with Mother Nature. But that is just what we're doing."
- Thomas Friedman, quoting Rob Watson, discussing the U.S. Senate's recent failure to pass climate change legislation.
[http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/25/opinion/25friedman.html?_r=1]
How to make an Irishman
An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this.
"Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain".
"That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor.
"I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out".
The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
Statues
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll sh*t on it's head."
We miss Rodney Dangerfield because he said:
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
I knew a girl so ugly... they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
Decided to become a flasher and put a little excitement in my life. Went down to the park and flashed an undercover cop. She arrested me and took me to the Small Claims Court. I get no respect, no respect at all.
LAST ONE:
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
Quote of the Day
"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter." - Winston Churchill
How Things Work
This is one of those "A picture is worth a thousand words"
Ever wonder what goes on behind those face plates? Wonder no more.
Simple animation to explain complex principles
1, aircraft radial engine
2, oval Regulation
3, sewing machines
1, aircraft radial engine
2, oval Regulation
3, sewing machines
4, Malta Cross movement - second hand movement used to control the clock
5, auto change file mechanism
6, auto constant velocity universal joint
7, gun ammunition loading system
Rotary engine - an internal combustion engine, the heat rather than the piston movement into rotary movement
Inline engine - it's cylinders lined up side by side
H.L. Meckin on Marriage
The only really happy folk are married women and single men.
A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end.
Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.
If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whiskey than he used to drink when he was single.
No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.
No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight.
Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.
Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.
Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest.
A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end.
Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.
If women believed in their husbands they would be a good deal happier and also a good deal more foolish.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whiskey than he used to drink when he was single.
No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.
No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight.
Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.
Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.
Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest.
It all began with an iPhone...
It all began with an iPhone...
March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?
I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.
September came by so for her birthday i got my wife an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started.......
What the wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital by Thursday!
Pub Quiz
I lost the pub quiz last night by 1 point.
The last question was, "Where do most women have curly hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is "Africa".
Letter to God
Dear Lord,
In the past year you have taken away:
Sincerely yours,
Barack
In the past year you have taken away:
- my favorite actor (Patrick Swayze),
- my favorite actress (Farah Fawcett),
- my favorite musician (Michael Jackson)
- and my favorite salesperson (Billy Mays).
Sincerely yours,
Barack
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