H. L. Mencken on Religion

A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.

A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.

Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies.

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.

Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.

The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil.

Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing.

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

he Fall Classic & The Classic Fall

 Election day is just about here.  Soon, we'll see just how well that Rally to Restore Democrats and/or Liberals worked out.

 

More likely, though, we're going to see just how well that Rally to Restore Republicans and/or Tea Partiers is GOING to work out.

 

And thank goodness that Rally to Blow Up a Plane and/or Synagogue didn't work out at all.

 

Uncle Jay explains it all, right here.

 

Remember, it's back to Standard Time next weekend.  Spring forward-fall back, so next Saturday night, try not to fall forward.

 

The 75 year old fisherman who loves fish

A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish. 

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice  say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone. 

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' 

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to  you.'     

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss  me and I will be your beautiful bride.' 

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,  'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.' 
     

 

 

With age comes wisdom.       

Election day!

'I haven't left my house in days.
I watch the news channels incessantly.
All the news stories are about the election; all the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.
Election, erection, election, erection -- either way we're getting screwed!'
       -- Bette Midler.

Lyric of the day

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again

- Pete Townshend

Canada Reports Huge Jump in Immigration

Over 55,000,000 Requests for Citizenship Since Tuesday Night

OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report) - Canadian immigration officials have reported a huge increase in the number of requests for Canadian citizenship in the past twenty-four hours, with over fifty-five million such inquiries pouring in since late Tuesday night.

Of those fifty-five million requests, well over 99.99% of them came from U.S. citizens, with a particularly large number coming from residents of Florida and Kentucky.

Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Lawrence Cannon said that he was "flabbergasted" by the fifty-five-million-plus requests for Canadian citizenship, adding that it was difficult to pinpoint the precise reasons for the staggering increase.

"My only theory is that after the 2010 winter Olympics, the sport of curling is finally starting to catch on," he said.

He cautioned, however, that it is impossible to know exactly what is sparking the sudden interest in America's frozen neighbor to the north: "People answering our immigration hotline say that it is hard to understand many of the American callers because they are sobbing uncontrollably."

In other news, responding to last night's election returns, Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) told reporters, "I'm so stoked I just turned the tanning bed up to eleven."

But former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin struck a more somber note, saying that despite several key victories, "it was a tough night for Tea Party voters because it involved so much math."

Quote of the Day

The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
  - Ronald Reagan

This is NOT Politics!!!

http://www.wimp.com/conformitypower/

This is the Texas Perspective

The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country;

The Washington Times is read by people who think they ought to run the country;
The Washington Post is read by the people who actually do run the country;
The National Enquirer is read by the wives of the people who run the country;
The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who own the country;
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country;
And The Dallas Morning News is read by people who think it is.

But, what about the people who read The New York Post?
NY Post readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits
 
===============================================

 
I once had an English lady explain that:
In most countries, international news is what the people are doing in other countries.
In the US, international news is what Americans are doing in other countries.
In Dallas, international news is what the Cowboys are doing in Miami.
 

2010 Outrageous Joke of the Year

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

The First Jump

Jack was telling John about his parachuting experience.

"I had all the lessons, and on my first jump the instructor
opened the door and told me to jump, but I told him
I wanted everyone to go first. After everyone jumped
the instructor told me to go, but I told him I couldn't.
The instructor tried to motivate me by saying, 'C'mon,
I have trained you, you can do it!', but I said, 'No,
No, I can't do it, I can't'. The instructor got really
angry and said, 'YOU CAN DO IT, JUMP NOW OR I
AM GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU UP THE ASS!!!'"

John said, "So did you jump?"

Jack replied, "a little at first".

Somali Pirates Refuse to Board Carnival Cruise Ships

Cite 'Unsafe Working Conditions'

MOGADISHU (The Borowitz Report) – In yet another public relations setback for the beleaguered cruise ship company, Somali pirates today said they would no longer board Carnival Cruise ships, citing "unsafe working conditions."

"If Carnival thinks that it's going to be business as usual between them and the Somali pirates, they need to have their heads examined," said Somali pirate spokesman Sugule.  "We Somali pirates may be bold, but we're not crazy."

The pirate said that the recent fire that crippled the giant cruise ship Carnival Splendor "has sent a shiver through the pirate community."

"We Somali pirates face enough risks without dealing with decks bursting into flames," he said.  "And don't get me started on the non-functioning toilets."

When asked if the Somali pirates might attempt to board Carnival ships in the future, he responded, "I am telling me hearties that if they were thinking of pillaging a Carnival ship of its booty over the holidays, they should make alternative plans."

Carol Foyler, a spokesperson for Carnival Cruises, said that the company "would be working overtime to win back the pirates' trust."

In the meantime, Ms. Foyler said, Carnival would be unveiling a new slogan in the weeks to come: "Come for the fun, stay for the raging inferno."

I LOVE YOU in 10 Languages

	I LOVE YOU in 10 Languages:   English I Love You Spanish Te Amo French Je Taime German Ich Liebe Dich Japanese Ai Shite Imasu Italian Ti Amo Chinese Wo Ai Ni Swedish Jag Alskar Dig Lithuanian As Tave Meliu Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi, Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia Nice Tits. Get in the truck.

My first condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.  I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Levin's pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.  She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.  I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.  She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the
Store to see if it were empty.  It was empty.  'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.  She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

'Do these excite you?' She asked.  Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on.  As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said,  'We  don't have much  time...'

So I climbed on her.  It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KA-POW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown.  'Did you put that condom on?'

I said,  'sure did,' and held up my thumb and showed her.

She beat the shit out of me...