A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.
A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.
Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ.
Communism, like any other revealed religion, is largely made up of prophecies.
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good.
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.
Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
The chief contribution of Protestantism to human thought is its massive proof that God is a bore.
The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God's children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil.
Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing.
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.