Man says to his shrink "I keep dreaming I'm shagging a biscuit"
Shrink says "You're fu<king crackers"
Things I Heard On Halloween That Sounded Dirty But Weren't:
Things I Heard On Halloween That Sounded Dirty But Weren't:
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag . . . . OH!-You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
Fox News Estimates Jon Stewart’s Crowd at Seven People
Fox News Estimates Jon Stewart's Crowd at Seven People
Disappointing Turnout, News Channel Says
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"Our total count includes Stewart, [Stephen] Colbert, and what appear to be a few of their friends and relatives," said Fox anchor Shepard Smith. "This has to be a smaller crowd than they were expecting."
But immediately after Fox broadcast what it described as "live coverage" of the rally showing a nearly-deserted National Mall, viewers began to point out irregularities in the images being shown.
First of all, one viewer noticed that the live coverage of the rally was actually being broadcast a full twelve hours before the rally began.
Second, an expert identified the supposedly "live footage" of today's rally as file footage from a Sunday in 1997 when the Mall was completely shut down for reseeding.
Even in the face of such evidence, Fox stood by its story, with Fox host Glenn Beck pointing out that the seven people in attendance were "largely elitists."
"I was struck by how many correctly spelled signs there were," Mr. Beck said. "That's not my America."
Halloween Happy Hour
It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and
bellied up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll
be two bloods and a blood light?"
Quote of the Day
"Less We Can"
That's the clever slogan of Mark Grannis, the Libertarian candidate in Maryland's 8th Congressional District.
Remember to "Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing."
That's the clever slogan of Mark Grannis, the Libertarian candidate in Maryland's 8th Congressional District.
Remember to "Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing."
Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is better than S3X
Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is better than SEX
10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. The person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. You'll feel less guilt the next morning.
and the number 1 reason Trick or Treating is better than SEX
1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!!
Most powerful man in America Meets with Obama
Gives President Rare Thirty-minute Audience
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While the most powerful man's decision to set aside thirty minutes for a sitting president carried with it risks for both men, each could lay claim to some measure of victory the morning after, says Professor Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota.
"Just to be seen on the same stage as the country's most powerful man is a win for Barack Obama," Professor Logsdon says. "It definitely lifts him up a notch."
Conversely, the most powerful man in America had something to gain by giving the President so much of his time: "By reaching out to Obama, he's perceived as caring about those less fortunate."
But for the nation's most powerful man, "it took some guts" to go toe-to-toe with a polished comedian like Obama, who has gotten big laughs in such venues as the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
"What you don't want to wind up doing is being Obama's straight man for half an hour," Professor Logsdon says. "Fortunately, that didn't happen."
While the consensus seems to be that the most powerful man in America handled his half-hour with Mr. Obama with his usual aplomb, critics are already saying that he shouldn't have wasted his time with such trivial distractions.
"He has an important rally coming up this Saturday," Mr. Logsdon says. "With the future of the country resting solely on his shoulders, does he really want to be seen laughing it up for half an hour with a politician?"
Some Puns to cheer your day - Groaners
(1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of
war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the
Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate,
he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said,
"I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars
for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the
king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no
difference who you are."
(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were
avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were
unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the
Tells bowled.
(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I
think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle
down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go
out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on
the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls
across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
(5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted
to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for
watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were
so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than
California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who
has a Tates is lost!"
(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as
saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the
medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a
long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him
to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was
feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the
malady lingers on."
(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining
to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must
have taken Leif off my census."
(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one
slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All
three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one
who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove
that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws
of the other two hides.
(10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the
leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo
looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like
these, who needs enemas?"
(By the way, the guy who wrote these 10 puns entered them in a
contest. He figured with 10 entries, he couldn't lose. As they were
reading the list of winners, he was really hoping one of his puns
would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.)
Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is better than S3X
Ten Reasons Trick or Treating is better than SEX
10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. The person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. You'll feel less guilt the next morning.
and the number 1 reason Trick or Treating is better than SEX
1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!!
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