CDC Discovers a strain of gonorrhea ...

Information about Gonorrhea Lectim

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'em," and it is a terrible disease.

The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008...but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.

It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout. You take the first dose in 2010 and the second dose in 2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.

Several states are already on top of this, like Virginia and New Jersey, and apparently now Massachusetts, with many more seeing the writing on the wall.

Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.

 

Senior Health Care

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with a friend the other day, I think we have found the solution.  I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.  A new hip?  Unheard of.  We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore.  You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc…  Let's take care of the young people.  After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

     So here is the solution.  When you turn 70, you get a gun and 3 bullets.  You are allowed to shoot one senator and 2 representatives.  Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!  New teeth, great!  Need glasses, no problem!  New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart?  Well bring it on.  And who will be paying for all of this?  The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care.  And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.

Most shocking WikiLeaks development yet

U.S. Orders Diplomats to Stop Telling Truth Until Further Notice

Fallout from WikiLeaks Mess

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In the first major policy fallout from the WikiLeaks disclosures, the State Department has ordered all U.S. diplomats to "cease and desist telling the truth until further notice."

"We are working overtime to try to make sure that leaks like these don't happen again," Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told reporters.  "But until we've got the leaks plugged, it's incumbent on all our diplomats to put on their lying caps."

Secretary Clinton noted that since many US diplomats are major political donors with long careers in the business world, "this shouldn't be a reach for them."

But for those career diplomats who came up through the Foreign Service, the State Department will be holding a series of "truth avoidance seminars," led by executives of Goldman Sachs.

Additionally, Secretary Clinton said, the State Department would install on all diplomats' computers new software called CandorShield™, which automatically translates truthful language into a less embarrassing truth-free version.

For example, she explained, the software would translate the phrase "two-faced weasels" into "trusted Pakistani allies" and would delete all references to French President Nicolas Sarkozy as "Monsieur Shorty Pants."

Elsewhere, Interpol issued this statement about its pursuit of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange: "We will find Julian Assange, and then we will hire him."