A Bald man and a Costume Party

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg,
so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few
days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be
just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized
his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes
by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing
his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the
company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a
small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over
your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel
apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

You won't believe what she said

Christine O'Donnell Favors Separation of Speech and Thought

Comes Out Swinging in Latest Debate

WILMINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In a performance guaranteed to raise some eyebrows in Delaware and beyond, Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell said at a senatorial debate last night that she strongly supports "the separation of speech and thought."

"To tell you the truth, I don't know if there's anything about that in the Constitution," she added.  "In the version of the Constitution that I read, Big Bird didn't mention it."

Ms. O'Donnell seemed stumped when the moderator asked whether there were any Supreme Court decisions she disagreed with, finally blurting out, "Ali v. Frazier."

Her halting answers to many of the questions made some wonder why she had not written answers on her hand as her role model Sarah Palin has been known to do, but Ms. O'Donnell offered this explanation: "As you know, I believe it's immoral to use your hand to help yourself."

At the conclusion of the debate, Ms. O'Donnell pronounced herself pleased with her performance, saying that she would spend the next week concentrating on her Halloween costume: "I'm going as a qualified candidate."

Why NASA engineers shouldn't babysit . .

How To Pull Out A Tooth With A Rocket

H.L. Menckin on Love

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.

Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.

Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love.

WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES

 

 

 

*WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES*

 

A real woman is a man's best friend.  She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

 

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

 

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .

 

 

 

 

No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. 

That's what beer does... 

 

Never mind.