English Is A Tough Language -- "UP"

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word 
is 'UP.'  It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? 
 
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do  we speak UP, and why are the  officers UP for  election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and  
fix UP the old car. 
 
At other times this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
 
And this UP is confusing:  A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped  UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! 

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized 
dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. 

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now  ........my time is UP !
 
Oh....one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? 

U  
   P !
 
 
Did that one crack you UP?
 
Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book..or not...it's UP to you.
 
Don't forget when you're angry at someone it's  Up Yours!!!!!
 
Now I'll shut UP

 

Urgent news alert from Stephen Hawking

Hawking: Aliens 'No Longer Interested' in Invading Earth

Planet Already 'Pre-destroyed,' Scientist Says

LONDON – Reversing his recent position on the dangers of an extraterrestrial invasion, eminent theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking said today that the planet is in no such peril anymore because aliens are "no longer interested" in invading Earth.

"Assuming that aliens have been monitoring Earth for the past month in preparation for an invasion, they've probably figured out it's no longer worth the trip," Dr. Hawking said.

Speaking at a conference of the International Society of Eminent Theoretical Physicists, Dr. Hawking added, "Most extraterrestrials would want to come to Earth to destroy it, and let's face it, this planet has been pretty much pre-destroyed."

Even if aliens planned to travel to Earth to warn humans against destroying their own planet, Dr. Hawking said, "If they showed up now and took a look around they'd be like, 'Oops, too late.'"

The physicist said that the rocket fuel aliens would have to expend to launch an Earth invasion was significant, "and you don't spend that kind of money to invade a shithole."

In recognition of his role in deterring an alien invasion, Queen Elizabeth II of England today knighted Tony Hayward, the CEO of oil giant BP.

In remarks to reporters after the knighting ceremony at Buckingham Palace, Sir Tony said he would be working tirelessly this week to study the impact of the Gulf oil spill on the beaches of the South of France.

WikiLeaks finally meets its match

WikiLeaks Attempts to Expose Palin's Thoughts, Finds Nothing

Hacking Former Governor's Brain Proves Fruitless

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – WikilLeaks has finally met its match.

That's the bombshell from fugitive founder Julian Assange, who said that after months of hacking former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's brain, WikiLeaks has come up empty.

"I challenge the best hackers in the business to have a look inside," he said, speaking from an undisclosed location.  "There's nothing there."

Mr. Assange, still on the run from authorities, said that once his team of hackers gained access to Gov. Palin's brain, "What little we found there was so encrypted it bore no resemblance to any recognizable language."

The WikiLeaks founder said that his discovery about Gov. Palin's brain is good news for her political future: "Most politicians have to worry about their private thoughts coming back to haunt them, but that clearly isn't going to be a problem for her."

For her part, Gov. Palin seemed to be relishing her role as the one politician in the world who has nothing to fear from WikiLeaks.

On Twitter, she addressed the following message to Mr. Assange: "How's that Wiki-Leaky thing workin out for ya?"

Cooking vs. Porn

A husband came home from work one evening and found his wife watching the cooking channel on TV. He asked her, "Why are you watching the cooking channel? You never cook".

 

Without batting an eye, she replied, "Why do you still watch porn".



Old Sailor & the Working Girl

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?   He asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.

The woman marine pilot - Very Inspiring

The Woman Marine Pilot
       
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:  Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.  The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. 


There were all the regular types of stuff:  spilled milk and pennies saved.  But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am.  My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.  She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.  She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.


She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.  What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories!

Quotation of the day


"If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace."
- John Lennon (1940-1980)


Amazing news from the White House

Obama Agrees to Extend Republicans' Custody of his Balls

Formalizes Existing Arrangement, President Says

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In an effort to end what he called "the bickering and rancor in Washington," President Barack Obama agreed today to extend Republicans' custody of his balls for an additional two years.

"I know my critics are going to make a big deal out of this," the President told reporters at the White House.  "But all this does is formalize an arrangement that was already in place."

Mr. Obama said that extending Republican custody of his balls through 2012 "was like the Holy Grail for them, but I'm keeping my eyes on the North Star," adding, "I have no idea what any of that means."

Moments after the two-year transfer of Mr. Obama's family jewels was announced, Vice President Joe Biden defended the President against critics from his own party: "I know he's going to catch a lot of heat for this, but what he did took cojones."

Emerging from the Oval Office after the deal was struck, Republican leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) pronounced himself pleased with the outcome: "The President put what he had on the table, and we came away with what we wanted."

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) said that the agreement on Mr. Obama's nuts would make upcoming budget negotiations go more smoothly: "This greatly reduces the size of the President's package."

Irish Sense of Humour


Paddy's been arrested for punching his wife again.  The Judge asks, "Why do you keep beating her?
 
Paddy says, "I think it's my weight advantage, longer arm reach and superior footwork."