The dance - Paddy and Micks hay shed

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right boot, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What on earth are you doing Mick?" asks Paddy

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejasus out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

Be Strong Honey

A man escapes  from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.'

God and Lawn Care - gardens and nature

          GOD:

     Frank, you know all about gardens and  nature. What in the world is going on down there  on the planet? What happened to the dandelions,  violets,  milkweeds  and stuff I  started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance  garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of  soil, withstand drought and multiply with  abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting  blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and  flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast  garden of colors by now. But, all I see are  these green rectangles.

     St.  FRANCIS:
    It's  the tribes that settled there, Lord. The  Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers  'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them  and replace them with grass.

      GOD:
     Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not  colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds  and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's  sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites  really want all that grass growing  there?

    ST.  FRANCIS:
     Apparently so, Lord. They go to great  pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin  each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning  any other plant that crops up in the  lawn.

     GOD:
    The  spring rains and warm weather probably make  grass grow really fast. That must make the  Suburbanites happy.

    ST.  FRANCIS:
     Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows  a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a  week.

     GOD:
    They  cut it? Do they then bale it like  hay?

     ST.  FRANCIS:
    Not  exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put  it in bags.

     GOD:
    They  bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell  it?

     ST.  FRANCIS:
    No,  Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it  away.

     GOD:
    Now,  let me get this straight. They fertilize grass  so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they  cut it off and pay to throw it  away?

     ST.  FRANCIS:
    Yes,  Sir.

     GOD:
     These Suburbanites must be relieved in the  summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up  the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves  them a lot of work.

     ST.  FRANCIS:
    You  aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the  grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses  and pay more money to water it, so they can  continue to mow it and pay to get rid of  it.

     GOD:
    What  nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.  That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say  so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring  to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In  the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a  natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and  protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural  cycle of life.

     ST.  FRANCIS:
    You  better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have  drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall,  they rake them into great piles and pay to have  them hauled away.

      GOD:
    No!?  What do they do to protect the shrub and tree  roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and  loose?

     ST.  FRANCIS:
     After throwing away the leaves, they go  out and buy something which they call mulch.  They haul it home and spread it around in place  of the leaves.

    GOD:
    And  where do they get this mulch?

      ST.  FRANCIS:
    They  cut down trees and grind them up to make the  mulch.

    GOD:
     Enough! I don't want to think about this  anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the  arts. What movie have you scheduled for us  tonight?

     ST.  CATHERINE:
     'Dumb and Dumber', Lord.  It's a story about....

     GOD:
     Never mind, I think I just heard the whole  story from St.  Francis.

 
 

 

 

=

 

Four Great Religious Truths

People of all faiths need to remember these Four Great Religious Truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

 2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the  Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the liquor store!

Quote of the Day

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't

remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
  - George Burns

We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady.

We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady. You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.  Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley  may soon be released as having been rehabilitated.  Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley.

To: John Hinckley,

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.  In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.  

We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Sincerely,

Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado.  You might want to look into that......

How can you tell when a singer is at your door?

Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.

Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A vocalist.

Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.

Q: Why can't voice majors have colostomies?
A: Because they can't find shoes to match the bag.

Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.

Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!

Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!

Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.

Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead

Q: What's the definition of optimism?
A: A bass trombonist with a beeper.

Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
A: Back up.

Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof

Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose

Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.

Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
A: Shoot two of them.

Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around them.

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None, they have machines for that now.

Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.

Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?
A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"

Q: What's the difference between a tuba and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

Q: How do you define a perfect pitch?
A: When the Saxophone lands in the MIDDLE of the dumpster.

Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds

Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.

Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?
A: They're both murder on the high Cs.


A jazz pianist dies and finds himself in heaven. He runs into an old friend and says "Bob, you made it too, that's great.

"Yeah, turns out God's a big jazz fan. All of the cats are here, and every day is a non-stop jam session
with a never-ending supply of wine, women and food. There's just one drawback."

"What's that?"

"Well, God has a girlfriend, and she's a singer

A BIG Management Truth

When top level  guys look down, they see only shitheads;

When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes.

 

 

Alamo, a little history lesson

The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that
fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from
his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo.

He then walked up to the observation post along
the west wall of this fort.  William B. Travis and
Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over
the top of the wall. These three great men gazed
at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned
to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we having some
landscaping done today?"

It's just not fair!

I spent $5000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon. I spent $30 on a blow job for myself and she goes fucking mental…….  Women?!?!?

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Here's a prime example of 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus' offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix .

The professor told his class one day, 'Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple.  Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.  As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story.  You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me.  The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.  The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.  There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail.  The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.'

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary:

THE STORY
(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.  The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile.  But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl.  His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.  So chamomile was out of the question.


(second paragraph by Gary )

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.  'A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,' he said into his transgalactic communicator.  'Polar orbit established.  No sign of resistance so far...'  But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.  The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.


(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him.  Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.  'Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,' Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.  The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.  She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.  'Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?' she wondered wistfully.


( Gary )

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.  Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles.  The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.  Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.  With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.  The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded.  The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.



(Rebecca)

This is absurd.  I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.  My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.



( Gary )

Yeah?  Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.  'Oh, shall I have chamomile tea?  Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA???  Oh no, what am I to do?  I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!'



(Rebecca)

Asshole!



( Gary )

Bitch! 

(Rebecca)

F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL! 

 
( Gary )

Go drink some tea - whore. 


(TEACHER)

A+      I really liked this one. 
  

Shocking announcement

Hillary to Become VP; Biden Named President of Afghanistan; Karzai Traded to Minnesota Vikings

Historic Three-Way Swap

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In a three-way swap that may be unprecedented in U.S. history, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is set to become Vice President of the United States, Vice President Joe Biden will become President of Afghanistan, and Afghan President Hamid Karzai will be traded to the Minnesota Vikings.

President Barack Obama made the stunning announcement at the White House today, using a PowerPoint demonstration to explain a personnel move that still left many scratching their heads.

"I am confident that Hillary and Joe are up to speed and ready to go in their new jobs," he said.  "And I expect Karzai to be in shape by midseason."

When asked if the complicated swap might confuse voters in advance of the midterm elections, the President said, "I certainly hope so."

If all goes according to plan, Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Biden will assume their new roles effective immediately, while Mr. Karzai is expected to start at wide receiver against the Arizona Cardinals on November 7.

While many in official Washington were trying to make sense of the stunning announcement, former President Bill Clinton gave the three-way sway a thumbs-up: "Everything about the phrase 'three-way swap' appeals to me."

Journalist Bob Woodward, who was privy to the negotiations behind the swap, portrayed Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Biden as amenable to their new jobs, with only Mr. Karzai dragging his feet: "He was concerned that a football helmet would not fit over his precious hat."

Mr. Woodward said he had more inside information about the deal, "but I'm writing about it in a new book, which will be out later this week."

Reached at the Vikings' practice facility, Minnesota quarterback Brett Favre said he was "blown away" by the news: "I actually retired this morning, but this changes everything."