Sing-a-long

 Grandma at the Airport

 

 

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and ...

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the check-out counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

Julian Assange to Launch Social Network for Diplomats, Twofacebook

WikiLeaks Founder Plans 'Portal of Deceit'

LONDON (The Borowitz Report) – Moments after being released on bail, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was already making plans for his next venture, a social network for diplomats called Twofacebook.

Mr. Assange said he came up with the idea for the new site while combing through hundreds of thousands of pages of WikiLeaks documents: "I realized that diplomats didn't have a way to reconnect with old colleagues so they could lie to them."

Saying that he hopes to build the site into a "portal of deceit," Mr. Assange said, "This will be a must-visit destination on the Internet for sworn enemies to friend each other."

The WikiLeaks founder said that Twofacebook would also enable members of the diplomatic community to share information about music, movies and TV shows "that they say they like but actually detest."

Additionally, he said he had high hopes for the site's first online game, Harmville, in which diplomats can kill or maim each other's sheep.

Elsewhere, President Obama said he was "delighted" by his new deal with Republicans, in which he agreed to give them his lunch money.

A series of jokes on relationships - simply funny and cool

Silver toungued During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."   Parrot dirty talk A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot for only $20. "Why so little?"' she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you that this bird used to live in a brothel and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided for the price, she had to have the bird. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication but laughed it off. When her teenage daughters returned from school, the parrot saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls were a bit offended, but when the parrot's former home was explained to them, they laughed. Moments later, the woman's husband Max came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Max."   Meeting the parents A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she wants to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic but nervous because he's a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack. That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"   Lack of vision 80-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the GP that he felt fine but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee and turns it off when I'm done!" A little later in the day, the GP called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night." George's wife exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!" Skin transplant  A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.  So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.   There is no way I could ever repay you." Duck love Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms. The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?'' ''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!'' Sex therapy? A couple from Rockingham, both well into their 80s, went to a sex therapist's office in Fremantle. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed at the request that he agrees. When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanked them for attending, charged them $60, and wished them the best of luck. However, the couple returned several weeks in a row, and although the doctor was puzzled, he agreed to watch them each time. Finally, he said, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Nothing, doc. She's married and we can't go to her house; I'm married and we can't go to my house. Hotels cost at least $150. We do it here for $60 and I get $43 back from Medicare!" A knight's virtue All the skilled and virtuous knights were setting out for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend who was remaining behind, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from my crusade." The company of knights was only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town, the column halted. Instead, it was the knight's best friend. He said, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!" A husband's worry Doctor : How is your wife faring? Husband : I am very worried about her. She was so sick this morning I had to carry her downstairs to make my breakfast. A load of bull A man took his wife to the rodeo and they saw the breeding bulls. The first pen had a sign attached: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs. The second pen said: "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a jab and said, "That's more than twice a week. You could learn from him." The third pen had a sign in capital letters: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife nearly broke her husband's ribs and said, "That's once a day! You could really learn something from this one." The husband rubbed his ribs, looked at her, and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow." One-liners to break up with your girlfriend "Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted?" "For the longest time I lived with a hairdresser named Bruce, but things are sort of back to normal now." "I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a coat-hanger to the metal plate in my head and was using it as antenna to read my thoughts." A husband's grief A man placed flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back to his car when another man kneeling at a grave caught his attention. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband." Toilet paper miracle Fresh from her shower, a woman stood in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small. Instead of shaking his head, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." The wife fetched a piece of toilet paper, stood in front of the mirror, and rubbed it as instructed. "How long will this take?" she asked. "It will take a few years but they will grow larger," the husband replied. "Do you really think so?" Without missing a beat, he said, "Worked for your rear end, didn't it?" Rain or snow? A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the husband felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said. Just before the difference of opinion turned into an argument, they saw a Communist Party official walking towards them. "Let's not fight about it," the husband said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it official raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!" To which her husband muttered: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." A different dad? A very elderly couple are having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says to his wife, "Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But I must know. Did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She pauses and then confesses. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is shaken. His wife's admission hits him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" His wife drops her head as she tries to muster the courage to tell her husband the truth. Finally, she says, "You." Going for gold A man discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms while shopping. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he announces to his wife his purchase. "Olympic condoms?" she says, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, silver, and bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?" "Gold, of course!" says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Really? Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change!" How to cure a man A woman was complaining to her neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: 'Is that you, Jim?' and that cured him." "Cured him," asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill." Divorce drunkenness A couple are dining in a fancy restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says the wife, "Who would think she could go on celebrating that long?" Golfing romantic A man and woman holidaying at the Vines fell in love. They discussed how to continue their relationship after their holiday was over. "It's only fair to warn you, Muffy," he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep, and breathe golf." "Well," Muffy said, "since you're being honest, I have to tell you something too - I'm a hooker." "I see," he said thoughtfully. He furrowed his brows and then relaxed. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball." The Husband Shop A shop that sells new husbands has just opened in Perth, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the shop operates: You may visit ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Shop to find a husband. The first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes up and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for visiting the Husband Shop. A New Wives store opened across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited. The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were two finalists... a man and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took the man to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what thecircumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then he came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them. Three's a crowd I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!" The man replied, "How about that, I work for Double Dip catering." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Stevenson's wife had just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, I'll be damned, I work for Triple J Radio." The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for Channel 9." Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!" Old couple An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it might be time for marriage. But, before tying the knot, they went out for a heart-to-heart talk over dinner about whether it would really work out. They discussed finances, living arrangements, showers, snoring, and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she responded, very carefully, "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he asked, "Was that one word or two?" A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now." The husband, feeling he had to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt. "Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, about the same size." The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day. That evening, when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "Hey honey, how about it hey? Should we indulge in a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over and gave him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter honey?" he asked. "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?" she replied. Things not to say on your valentine's date. I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. I used to come here all the time with my ex. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

 

This is my favorite Christmas story

Three men died in a car accident on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.  He flicked it on. "It represents a Christmas candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man (the driver) reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're Christmas bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of woman's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."

What a Grimm Christmas looks like - simply awesome :)

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --We Three Queens Disoriented Are

3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8 . Full Personality Disorder-- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells ..

10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13. Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas while I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.

14. Passive-Aggressive: - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

15. Borderline Personality Disorder: - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

Tragic news from the North Pole....

 

It is the new millennium season!

Nelson's navy; 200 years later

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir, you'll have to read this."

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this, Hardy?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, sir. We're an equal opportunity employer
now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors,
lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. I ts part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
..................... Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Sir."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently-abled."
Nelson: "Differently-abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such rubbish. Break out the cannons and
tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "It is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case Hardy, kiss me.

Into the woods....

....and then there were the two blonds who went deep into the frozen woods

searching for a Christmas tree. 

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry
  wolves, one blond turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next
tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

Wikileaks Ultimate Irony

Assange lawyers fume over leaked rape case docs

Why Do I Like Retirement?

Why Do I Like Retirement; aka semi-retirement/unemployed?

Question:  How many days in a week? 
Answer:  6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question:  When is a retiree's bedtime? 
Answer:  Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
 
Question:  How many retirees to change a light bulb? 
Answer:  Only one, but it might take all day.
 
Question:  What's the biggest gripe of retirees? 
Answer:  There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question:  Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? 
Answer:  The term comes with a 10% discount.
 
Question:  Among retirees what is considered formal attire? 
Answer:  Tied shoes.

Question:  Why do retirees count pennies? 
Answer:  They are the only ones who have the time. 
 
Question:  What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? 
Answer:  NUTS!  
 
Question:  Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:  They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
 
Question:  What do retirees call a long lunch? 
Answer:    Normal .
 
Question:  What is the best way to describe retirement? 
Answer:  The never ending Coffee Break.
 
Question:  What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? 
Answer:  If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
 
Question:  Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? 
Answer:  He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
 
And, my very favorite....

QUESTION:  What do you do all week? 
Answer:  Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

 

 

Carrying a Concealed Weapon Permit

A guy cruises thru a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. He hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Absolutely nothing..."

 

Wondering what to drink over the holidays - A Glass of Wine

Wondering what to drink over the holidays?

As Ben Franklin said, "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is
freedom, in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilogram of Escherichia coli, (E. coli)
- bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila,
rum, whiskey or other liquor) because the alcohol from fermentation or
distillation kills the E. Coli.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink
water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it
as a public service.

Why David is Embarrassed

Dave is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's
excited. He's especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos.

After the sessions, which went great, Dave can't wait to see the
finished  product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch
the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music
was for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he told Dave
where he can go to see it.

A month later, Dave, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to
the theater where the picture is playing. He walked in and sat way in
the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and
hiding.  The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most  perverse
porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway
through, a dog got in on the action.

Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the
women, in every orifice; and most of the men.  Embarrassed, Dave turned
to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music."

The woman turned to Dave and whispered back, "That's okay, we're
just here to see our dog."