Something to look forward to

"Ya know, when I was 25 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands.

  
 By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried real hard.
  
 By the time I was 60, I could bend it 20 degrees, no  problem.
  
 I'm gonna be 70 next week, and I can bend it in half with just one hand."
  
 "So, what's your point?"
  
 "Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!?"

Sailing key words and what it means, well in a funny way

Amidships - condition of being surrounded by boats.

Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the
bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.

Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery
before daylight.

Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from
the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of
the four directions from which wave action tends to produce
extreme physical discomfort. The other three are 'bow sea'
(waves striking from the front), 'following sea' (waves
striking from the rear), and 'quarter sea' (waves striking
from any other direction).

Berth - a little addition to the crew.

Boat ownership - Standing fully-clothed under a cold shower,
tearing up 100-dollar bills

Boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe. Called boom
for the sound that's made when it hits crew in the head on
its way across the boat.

Calm - Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous dis-
appearance of the wind and the last cold beverage.

Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are
aground.

Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might
do next.

Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer
his boat and from which the wind is blowing. Also, the
language that results by not being able to.

Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold
down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden
movements of the boom.

Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef.

Dinghy - the sound of the ship's bell.

Displacement - when you dock your boat and can't find it later.

Estimated Position - a place you have marked on the chart
where you are sure you are not.

Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for
storing dead batteries prior to their disposal.

Gybe - A common way to get unruly guests off your boat.

Headway - what you are making if you can't get the toilet to work.

Jack Lines - "Hey baby, want to go sailing?"

Landlubber - anyone on board who wishes he were not.

Latitude - the number of degrees off course allowed a guest.

Mast - religious ritual used before setting sail.

Mizzen - an object you can't find.

Motor Sailer - A sailboat that alternates between sail/
rigging problems and engine problems, and with some booze
in the cabin.

Ram - an intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by ex-
perienced skippers.

Sailing - The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill,
while going nowhere slowly at great expense.

Shroud - equipment used in connection with a wake.

Starboard - special board used by skippers for navigation
(usually with "Port" on the opposite side.)

Tack - A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew
what they did wrong without getting them mad.

Yawl - A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored
down yonder in the cabin

Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical
Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable
forecasts.

Sermon on lying

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you  understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

 

Since more and more Seniors are texting, tweeting & Emailing there appears to be a need for a STC

Since more and more Seniors are texting, tweeting & Emailing there appears to be a need for a STC  (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you: Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CGU: Can't get up

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL:  Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

PIMP: Pooped In My Pants

ROFL...CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing...Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

GLKI  (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

Romance Novel Material

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.  "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching,  knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and  expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge.  A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ... "Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding  out my purse. "You can board your flight now."

Interesting story on Darwin Lives!

(AP)  CLEMSON, South Carolina - A man has been hospitalized after police in South Carolina say he was hit by a sport utility vehicle while playing a real-life version of the video game "Frogger." 

Authorities said the 23-year-old man was taken to a hospital in Anderson after he was struck at around 9 p.m. Monday.

In the "Frogger" arcade game, players move frogs through traffic on a busy road and through a hazard-filled river. Before he was hit, police say the man had been discussing the game with his friends.

Chief Jimmy Dixon says the man yelled "go" and darted into oncoming traffic in the four-lane highway.

No charges are expected against the driver. The name of the man who was struck has not been released. He was in stable condition Monday night.

Good Old Days - A blast from the past

There just aren't acts like this anymore. I hope
you enjoy this a "blast from the past".
 
 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T89HO_qIMyo 

 

Husband, Wife and a Golfing Accident

Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner : "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head.

You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"

Verne: "Yes, sir, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass."

Verne: "Was it a Titleist 3?"

Coroner: "Yes, it was."

Verne: "That was my mulligan."

Some random new year cartoons

Snow Is God's Way of Punishing Americans Who Were Planning to Drive to Do Something Gay

Pat Robertson: Snow Is God's Way of Punishing Americans Who Were Planning to Drive to Do Something Gay

Treacherous Roads Part of Almighty's Strategy, Says Televangelist

VIRGINIA BEACH (The Borowitz Report) - Rev. Pat Robertson sparked controversy in today's broadcast of his 700 Club program when he claimed that God created the blizzard currently battering the Northeast "to punish Americans who were planning to drive to do something gay."

Explaining his theory, Rev. Robertson said, "Because of the bad road conditions the Almighty has made, any gay activities that people were planning on doing will have to be postponed by a day or two."

Additionally, he argued, God shut down major airports in the New York area "so that people who were hoping to fly to do something of a gay nature would have to take a train or a bus, so it might be days before the gay thing they were going to do could occur."

As for the millions of straight people in New York City who were also grounded by the bad weather, the televangelist said, "I think God probably wonders, if these people are really straight, then what are they doing in New York?"

In other blizzard-related news, the National Weather Service offered this update: "It's as white as a Glenn Beck rally out there."

Health-care meets airport security

Happy New Year from with a lovely message

Here is lovely message for the new year....

 http://flickspire.com/m/Lgroup/LifeIsLikeCoffee  http://flickspire.com/m/Lgroup/LifeIsLikeCoffee 

There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution

There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. 

This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.

  - Kurt Vonnegut

The Greatest Letter Ever Printed On NFL Team Letterhead

http://deadspin.com/5716038/the-greatest-letter-ever-printed-on-nfl-team-letterhead

Important TSA Stats….

 Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security
 
Terrorist Plots Discovered                       0
Transvestites                                      133
Hernias                                           1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases                           3,172
Enlarged Prostates                           8,249
Breast Implants                             59,350
Natural Blonds                                       3
 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 



 

CDead Stream: http://cdeadstream.deadacated.com
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Destroying The Social Lives Of Thousands Of Once-Fun Americans

AA Destroying The Social Lives Of Thousands Of Once-Fun Americans

http://www.theonion.com/video/aa-destroying-the-social-lives-of-thousands-of-onc,18349/

Apple Cancels Press Conference on iPhone Alarm Glitch after Steve Jobs Oversleeps

Apple Cancels Press Conference on iPhone Alarm Glitch after Steve Jobs Oversleeps

'Really Embarrassing,' Says Apple Chief

CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report) Apple, Inc. cancelled a press conference today to address the glitch plaguing the iPhone's alarm function when company chief Steve Jobs failed to show.

"I totally overslept," Mr. Jobs later told reporters.  "I've got to say this is really embarrassing."

Apple's engineers have been working day and night to fix the problems with the iPhone's alarm, but so far have seen only limited success, according to Jobs: "We've gotten the alarm to go off, but for some reason it plays 'Never Gonna Give You Up,' by Rick Astley."

Mr. Jobs, however, did offer a temporary fix to iPhone users whose alarms do not work: "For the time being, tape your iPhone to a working alarm clock."