Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the
bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.
Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery
Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from
the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of
the four directions from which wave action tends to produce
extreme physical discomfort. The other three are 'bow sea'
(waves striking from the front), 'following sea' (waves
striking from the rear), and 'quarter sea' (waves striking
from any other direction).
Berth - a little addition to the crew.
Boat ownership - Standing fully-clothed under a cold shower,
tearing up 100-dollar bills
Boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe. Called boom
for the sound that's made when it hits crew in the head on
its way across the boat.
Calm - Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous dis-
appearance of the wind and the last cold beverage.
Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are
Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might
Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer
his boat and from which the wind is blowing. Also, the
language that results by not being able to.
Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold
down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden
movements of the boom.
Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef.
Dinghy - the sound of the ship's bell.
Displacement - when you dock your boat and can't find it later.
Estimated Position - a place you have marked on the chart
where you are sure you are not.
Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for
storing dead batteries prior to their disposal.
Gybe - A common way to get unruly guests off your boat.
Headway - what you are making if you can't get the toilet to work.
Jack Lines - "Hey baby, want to go sailing?"
Landlubber - anyone on board who wishes he were not.
Latitude - the number of degrees off course allowed a guest.
Mast - religious ritual used before setting sail.
Mizzen - an object you can't find.
Motor Sailer - A sailboat that alternates between sail/
rigging problems and engine problems, and with some booze
in the cabin.
Ram - an intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by ex-
Sailing - The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill,
while going nowhere slowly at great expense.
Shroud - equipment used in connection with a wake.
Starboard - special board used by skippers for navigation
(usually with "Port" on the opposite side.)
Tack - A maneuver the skipper uses when telling the crew
what they did wrong without getting them mad.
Yawl - A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored
down yonder in the cabin
Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical
Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
PIMP: Pooped In My Pants
ROFL...CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing...Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ... "Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done."
My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."
Authorities said the 23-year-old man was taken to a hospital in Anderson after he was struck at around 9 p.m. Monday.
In the "Frogger" arcade game, players move frogs through traffic on a busy road and through a hazard-filled river. Before he was hit, police say the man had been discussing the game with his friends.
Chief Jimmy Dixon says the man yelled "go" and darted into oncoming traffic in the four-lane highway.
No charges are expected against the driver. The name of the man who was struck has not been released. He was in stable condition Monday night.
Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.
Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner : "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head.
You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
Verne: "Yes, sir, that's correct."
Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass."
Verne: "Was it a Titleist 3?"
Coroner: "Yes, it was."
Verne: "That was my mulligan."
Treacherous Roads Part of Almighty's Strategy, Says Televangelist
Explaining his theory, Rev. Robertson said, "Because of the bad road conditions the Almighty has made, any gay activities that people were planning on doing will have to be postponed by a day or two."
Additionally, he argued, God shut down major airports in the New York area "so that people who were hoping to fly to do something of a gay nature would have to take a train or a bus, so it might be days before the gay thing they were going to do could occur."
As for the millions of straight people in New York City who were also grounded by the bad weather, the televangelist said, "I think God probably wonders, if these people are really straight, then what are they doing in New York?"
In other blizzard-related news, the National Weather Service offered this update: "It's as white as a Glenn Beck rally out there."
This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.
Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blonds 3
CDead Stream: http://cdeadstream.deadacated.com
'Really Embarrassing,' Says Apple Chief
"I totally overslept," Mr. Jobs later told reporters. "I've got to say this is really embarrassing."
Apple's engineers have been working day and night to fix the problems with the iPhone's alarm, but so far have seen only limited success, according to Jobs: "We've gotten the alarm to go off, but for some reason it plays 'Never Gonna Give You Up,' by Rick Astley."
Mr. Jobs, however, did offer a temporary fix to iPhone users whose alarms do not work: "For the time being, tape your iPhone to a working alarm clock."