Some super look alikes

That glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the tube...

It's here!

That glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the tube, or sitting on the train, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat.

And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy. For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin.

After months of dull colors and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk.

Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts bra-less in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road...

And you know it is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday.

Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a movable feast. Last year it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above 16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt to 22C on 24 April.

And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year), so that when they're all standing outside All Bar One after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs. It's like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is holding up nipples.

So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps.

As the poet said: one bold Northern slapper in a bikini doth not a summer make.

South American folk remedies

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated the
leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. 

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said: "Let me say to you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

A new supermarket opened near my house

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

My new Doctor

I went to the doctor the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous! I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can." I said, "I think my dick tastes funny..."

Democrats to Employ Man Who Played Obama During 2008 Campaign

		Would Hit Campaign Trail in Place of President WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – With just a month remaining until the crucial midterm elections, worried Democrats have decided to reach out to the man who played Barack Obama during the 2008 campaign, Democratic Party officials confirmed today. "We were sitting around thinking of who we could put out there on the campaign trail to get people energized again," said party chairman Tim Kaine.  "And then I was like, what about that guy who played Obama in '08?  He was amazing!" While Democratic incumbents have been shying away from appearing with President Obama at rallies in recent weeks, they are "totally jazzed" about making joint appearances with the man who portrayed Obama in 2008, Kaine said. "When we put the word out that we were reaching out to the guy who used to play Obama, the reaction was phenomenal," he said.  "People were like, I loved that guy." Wisconsin Sen. Russ Feingold echoed the sentiment of many Democratic officeholders when he heard that the man who played Obama during the 2008 race might be hitting the road again soon: "I was leery about appearing with the President onstage, but that other guy, come on, he was unbelievable." According to preliminary plans, the guy who played Obama in 2008 would be used to fire up huge crowds in key races, while the actual President Obama would remain behind in Washington giving boring speeches about electronic medical records. Fox News offered scant coverage of the Democrats' plans, other than to report that neither President Obama nor the man who played him in 2008 was born in the US.

In Case of Emergency, Please Remove Your Bra

In Case of Emergency, Please Remove Your Bra

Published September 23, 2010

www.Ebbra.com
The Emergency Bra is a protective garment that transforms into two respiratory face masks in case of an emergency.

Caught in a disaster? You'd better hope you're wearing the Emergency Bra. Simply unsnap the bright red bra, separate the cups, and slip it over your head -- one cup for you, and one for your friend. 

Dr. Elena Bodnar won an Ignoble Award for the invention last year, an annual tribute to scientific research that on the surface seems goofy but is often surprisingly practical. And now Bodnar has brought the eBra to the public; purchase one online for just $29.95. 

"The goal of any emergency respiratory device is to achieve tight fixation and full coverage. Luckily, the wonderful design of the bra is already in the shape of a face mask and so with the addition of a few design features, the Emergency Bra enhances the efficiency of minimizing contaminated bypass air flow," explains the eBra website. 

It sounds silly, but Bodnar, a Ukraine native who now lives in Chicago, started her medical career studying the effects of the 1986 Chernobyl nuclear plant disaster. If people had had cheap, readily available gas masks in the first hours after the disaster, she said, they may have avoided breathing in Iodine-131, which causes radiation sickness.

The bra-turned-gas masks could have also been useful during the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, and for women caught outside during the dust storms that recently enveloped Sydney, she said.

"You have to be prepared all the time, at any place, at any moment, and practically every woman wears a bra," she said. Her patented devices also look pretty, no different from a conventional bra, she added.

According to a report on tech news site CNET, there are plans for a "counterpart device for men" in the works, though the precise shape it will take has yet to be revealed.

The Defining Moment

 

Why pay for a Security System?

Why pay for a Security System when a sign will do all that?

 

Living Proof that The irish discovered Africa

Palin’s Evolution into O’Donnell Proves Darwin Was Wrong

Scientists Propose 'Theory of Devolution'

OSLO, NORWAY (The Borowitz Report) – Two of the theory of evolution's most vociferous doubters, Sarah Palin and Christine O'Donnell, may be living proof that Darwin was wrong, leading scientists believe.

A conference of the most prominent evolutionary scientists in the world has concluded that the apparent evolution of Ms. Palin into Ms. O'Donnell suggests, in the words of Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke of the University of Tokyo, "that Darwin got it backwards."

"We still believe that evolution is more than a theory and is, in fact, a very real thing," said Dr. Kyosuke.  "However, in the case of Palin and O'Donnell, it seems to be moving in a reverse direction."

Dr. Kyosuke stunned the conference when he presented his scholarly paper, "Tea Party Politicians and the Theory of Devolution," in which he studied the so-called "reverse natural selection" at play in GOP candidates for Governor of New York.

"If we chart the trend line from George Pataki to Carl Paladino, within fifty years New York might be governed by Cro-Magnon Man," he said.

Mr. Paladino did not offer an official response to the scientist's remarks, but said that he had one hundred aides typing on one hundred typewriters simultaneously to craft a statement.

For her part, Ms. O'Donnell today released her official campaign platform, in which she opposes the use of simple tools and the discovery of fire.

Boudreaux, an 80-year-old South Louisiana Cajun, goes to the doctor for his every year check-up

Boudreaux, an 80-year-old South Louisiana Cajun, goes to the doctor for his every year check-up. 
 
The doctor is amazed at what good shape he is in and asks, "How you stay in such great physical condition, Boudreaux?"
 
"I stay in the swamp and I hunt and fish every day" says the old Cajun, and, that's why I'm in such good shape. "I'm up well before daylight and out hunting or fishing all day. I have a beer for breakfast and at lunch and wid my supper.  And I have a shot of houch before bed time.  And I say my prayers every night.  And all is well wid me"
 
"Well", says the doctor, "I'm sure dem prayers helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"
 
"Who said Pop is dead?"
 
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old he is?"
 
"Pop be 100 next month," say Boudreaux. "In fact, he hunted with me this morning, and then we went to a "beer joint" for a while and had a few beers and that's why he's still alive. He's a tough Cajun man And he hunts and fishes every day, too.
 
"Well, the doctor says, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"
 
"Who said my Paw Paw's dead?"
 
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old, your father is 100 and your grandfather's still living?  Incredible! How old he is?"
 
"We tink 'bout 118." says the old Cajun. He likes his beer too, but he won't touch the hard stuff."
 
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess your grandfather went hunting and fishing with you'll this morning too?"
 
"No, Paw Paw couldn't go this time. He's getting married today."
 
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!  Why would a 118-year-old man want to get married?"
 
Boudreaux looked down at the floor and mumbled "Who said he wanted to?"

 

One of Life's Simple Lessons

Be nice to others, because ...   

  

One day you will no longer be the big dog... just the old dog......

and it's nice to be surrounded by friends.

You know you drank too much when you...