"Congress was broadcast live on Facebook for the first time in history. Now you can waste time and not get work done by watching Congress waste time and not get work done." —Jimmy Fallon
"The new Congress has been sworn in. To politicians the oath of office is like a New Years resolution to the rest of us. You try for a week or two and then say screw it." —Jay Leno
"Why is it no human being can withstand more than two years as a presidential press secretary? There must be an organ somewhere in the body that can only filter two years worth of heavy duty bullsh*t." —Jon Stewart on Robert Gibbs' retirement
"The new Republican-controlled House of Representative decided to start things off by reading the entire Constitution aloud. Then there was a break for lunch and a slave auction." —Jimmy Kimmel
"John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody's compensating for his small government." —Stephen Colbert
"Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they're going to undo everything President Obama has done. John Boehner even told the Obama kids that the dog has to go back." —David Letterman
"Outgoing Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave a speech and handed the gavel to John Boehner. Very emotional moment for Pelosi, but she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, a tightly stretched forehead, and unnaturally arched eyebrows." —Jay Leno
"The commander of the USS Enterprise was relieved of duty because of his involvement in making raunchy videos while onboard the Navy ship. The good news: Today he was offered a job as a producer on 'Jersey Shore.'" —Jay Leno
"Snooki is now a published author. I'm blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar." —David Letterman
"This weekend in Arkansas, thousands of dead birds dropped out of the sky and there were 100,000 dead fish in the rivers. Also, McDonald's is having a special on Chicken McNuggets and Filet of Fish." —Jay Leno
"Christine O'Donnell is being investigated for using campaign funds to pay for personal expenses. I think it's a witch hunt." —Jay Leno
"The new Congress has been sworn in. To politicians the oath of office is like a New Years resolution to the rest of us. You try for a week or two and then say screw it." —Jay Leno
"Why is it no human being can withstand more than two years as a presidential press secretary? There must be an organ somewhere in the body that can only filter two years worth of heavy duty bullsh*t." —Jon Stewart on Robert Gibbs' retirement
"The new Republican-controlled House of Representative decided to start things off by reading the entire Constitution aloud. Then there was a break for lunch and a slave auction." —Jimmy Kimmel
"John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody's compensating for his small government." —Stephen Colbert
"Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they're going to undo everything President Obama has done. John Boehner even told the Obama kids that the dog has to go back." —David Letterman
"Outgoing Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave a speech and handed the gavel to John Boehner. Very emotional moment for Pelosi, but she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, a tightly stretched forehead, and unnaturally arched eyebrows." —Jay Leno
"The commander of the USS Enterprise was relieved of duty because of his involvement in making raunchy videos while onboard the Navy ship. The good news: Today he was offered a job as a producer on 'Jersey Shore.'" —Jay Leno
"Snooki is now a published author. I'm blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar." —David Letterman
"This weekend in Arkansas, thousands of dead birds dropped out of the sky and there were 100,000 dead fish in the rivers. Also, McDonald's is having a special on Chicken McNuggets and Filet of Fish." —Jay Leno
"Christine O'Donnell is being investigated for using campaign funds to pay for personal expenses. I think it's a witch hunt." —Jay Leno
