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Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall
Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery,
sheer guts plus arrogance; it's Yiddish and, as Leo Rosten writes, "no
other word and no other language" can do it justice. This example is
better than 1,000 words. Read the story below the picture and then you
will understand.
THE ESSENCE OF CHUTZPAH...
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.
Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time,
and as he passed the pretzel stand, He would leave her a quarter, but
never take a pretzel. This went on for more than 3 years. The two of
them never spoke.
One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his
quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him. Without blinking an
eye she said: "They're 35 cents now."
other word and no other language" can do it justice. This example is
better than 1,000 words. Read the story below the picture and then you
will understand.
THE ESSENCE OF CHUTZPAH...
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.
Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time,
and as he passed the pretzel stand, He would leave her a quarter, but
never take a pretzel. This went on for more than 3 years. The two of
them never spoke.
One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his
quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him. Without blinking an
eye she said: "They're 35 cents now."
Lesson for today
Brief & Interesting
It is a slow day in the small Colorado town of Pumphandle and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.
A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.
As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.
The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything...
However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus package" works.
It is a slow day in the small Colorado town of Pumphandle and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.
A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.
As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.
The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything...
However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus package" works.
Something to offend everyone - British edition
A teacher asks a class full of kids - 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'...
So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving. 'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my ar*e?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel ....
This is for the Christmas period only!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies, 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed..
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh * t."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed..
How could anyone stoop so low?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w@nking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'...
So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving. 'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my ar*e?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel ....
This is for the Christmas period only!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies, 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed..
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh * t."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed..
How could anyone stoop so low?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w@nking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
Golf truisms - Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt. For a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
It's not a gimme if you're still 5 feet away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree..
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph , handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
One of my personal favorites:
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel. Keep this in mind
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart, if you are performing Brain Surgery!!!!
--
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt. For a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
It's not a gimme if you're still 5 feet away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree..
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; I.e., back-swing 20 mph , handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
One of my personal favorites:
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel. Keep this in mind
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart, if you are performing Brain Surgery!!!!
--
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