Revenge with tact!

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole, when a second golfer approached and asked him if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

 
They were even after the first few holes.  The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
 
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.  He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers and asked his "victim" what he did for a living. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
 
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
 
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make amends?"

The Priest said, "Well, yes, you could come to Mass on Sunday, and if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.  

Dog food

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Timber, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
 
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
 
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
 
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
 
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
 
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.