Sipping Vodka

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1)  Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2)  There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3)  There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6)  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7)  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8)  David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9)  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)  We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11)  When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body."  He did not say,"Eat me."
12)  The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13)  The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)  Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's  not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A Hard Problem

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.  She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection.  It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment.  So I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."