Afraid to watch the news these days?

Afraid to Watch the News, Millions Turn to Fox

Channel Offers Welcome Break from Reality, Psychologists Say

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – With unprecedented crises engulfing the world, millions of television viewers are finding the news too stressful to watch – and are turning to the Fox News Channel instead.

"Things are so bad in the world right now, many people are afraid to watch the news," says psychologist Davis Logsdon, who studies the relationship between news consumption and stress at the University of Minnesota.  "For them, Fox News represents a welcome break from reality."

Tracy Klugian, 37, a systems analyst from Lansing, Michigan, said that he was flipping the channels to find "anything but news" and found himself watching Fox for the first time.

"They had this guy on – something Beck I think his name was – and he was just going on and on, making stuff up," he said.  "I was like, this is the kind of mindless junk I need right now."

Mr. Klugian says he now records the program and watches it every day when he gets home for work: "For one hour at least, I know that I can kick back and not hear anything that's going on in the world."

He said that watching Fox had also introduced him to "my favorite new comedian – this hysterical woman named Michele Bachmann."

"She was doing this bit about how the American Revolution started in New Hampshire, not Massachusetts, and then she started mixing up where Lexington and Concord were," he said.  "Okay, I know it sounds really stupid, but I almost peed myself."

Elsewhere, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker said he is not worried how history will remember him "because if I have my way, there won't be any history teachers."

Put me in charge

This was in the Waco Tribune Herald in Waco, TX on 11/18/10

Put me in charge of food stamps. I'd get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho's, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away.  If you want steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.
  
Put me in charge of Medicaid. We'll test recipients for drugs , alcohol, nicotine and document all tattoos and piercings.  If you want to use drugs , alcohol, smoke or get tats and piercings, then get a job.

Put me in charge of government housing.  Ever live in a military barracks? You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair.  Your "home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried.  If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.

In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or you will report to a "government" job.  It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you.  We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers and put that money toward the "common good."

Before you write that I've violated someone's rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary.   If you want our money, accept our rules. Before you say that this would be "demeaning" and ruin their "self esteem," consider that it wasn't that long ago that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self  esteem.  

If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices.  The current system rewards them for continuing to make mistakes and bad choices.

Alfred W. Evans, Gatesville , TX

How to impress a woman

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

• Compliment her,
• cuddle her,
• kiss her,
• caress her,
• love her,
• stroke her,
• tease her,
• comfort her,
• protect her,
• hug her,
• hold her,
• spend money on her,
• wine & dine her,
• buy things for her,
• listen to her,
• care for her,
• stand by her,
• support her,
• go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

• Show up naked

The frog into a bank and approaches the teller

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant , about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

Math Professor

A math professor took some timecreating a surprise recess homework assignment. He's not an actor...

 

Click Here to View 

 

Aircraft Crashes into Four Buildings

Air Show Disaster

Amazing photos show great detail.
The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd
gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.
One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings

Sore throat..solutions from husbands

 

The history of the universe - funny

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And so God created Man in His own image; male and female He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created Quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body, while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, and upon returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?" And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

Lent in Minnesota

Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up  his outdoor grill on  the shore of Chub Lake and cook a  venison steak.
 
 But, all of Ole's neighbors were Catholic... And  since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
 
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over Castle Rock all the way to Haslewood, and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their  priest.
 
The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become a Catholic.   After  several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass.....and as the  priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran, and  raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic."

Ole's neighbors were relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the  neighbors and, as he rushed into Ole's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped  and watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You vuz born a deer......you  vuz raised a deer.....but now you is a walleye."
 
 
 
 

 

Ten Jumps

http://biggeekdad.com/2010/06/top-10-jumps/

Top 10 Biggest and Best Jumps Ever, several of which feature Travis Pastrana.  The number 1 jump will probably surprise you as many people have never heard about it. 

Why Rupert Murdoch is furious at Gaddafi

Gaddafi Bans Journalists, Arguing, 'It's Worked for Fox'

Establishes 'No Spin Zone' Over Libya

TRIPOLI (The Borowitz Report) – Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi took the extraordinary step of banning all journalists from his country today, arguing, "It's worked for Fox."

According to advisors to the Libyan dictator, Mr. Gaddafi has been studying the Fox News Channel closely in recent weeks as an example of a large enterprise that has thrived in the absence of journalism.

"Colonel Gaddafi has made no secret of his admiration of Fox," said one aide to the Libyan dictator.  "He has even told his nurses to wear more makeup so they will look like the Fox anchorwomen."

Speaking over Libyan state television this morning, Mr. Gaddafi said that by expelling all journalists from Libya, he was protecting the Libyan people from "the bias and distortions of the lamestream media."

The Libyan dictator said he was establishing a "no spin zone" over the country, replacing all actual news with a series of television shows "allowing for a free exchange of opinions – all of them mine."

Mr. Gaddafi's actions drew immediate criticism from Fox owner Rupert Murdoch: "A brutal dictator who is hostile to journalism?  It definitely sounds like he is ripping me off."

At the State Department, an official spokesman offered this response to Mr. Gaddafi's actions: "As is State Department policy, we will wait several weeks and then issue a confusing, noncommittal statement."

Meanwhile, several prominent Republicans voiced criticism of President Obama's Libya policy, including former President George W. Bush, who urged Mr. Obama to define the mission: "That way, you can hang up a really cool banner once it's accomplished."

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) said that she also had serious questions for Mr. Obama about Libya: "For example, where is it?"

Two dogs dining

 

Two dogs waiting patiently to get served in "restaurant", and in spite of waiting, never get anything to drink.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVwlMVYqMu4&feature=player_embedded#at=216 

 

Beer joint sues church

In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground!

After the bar burned to the ground by a lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about  "the power of prayer ", until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church . . "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and  the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented   "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork  that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."

 

Johnson Outboard Motors commercial

Johnson Outboard Motors commercial

An exciting new job for Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck Moves to Sci Fi Channel

No Format Change Necessary

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – Landing on his feet just hours after his program was dropped by Fox News Channel, controversial host Glenn Beck announced today that he had just inked a new contract to join the cable network Syfy, formerly known as the Sci Fi Channel.

Speaking at a press conference announcing the move, Mr. Beck told reporters, "The best part of this deal is that I won't need to change my format at all."

Mr. Beck said that his program was "a perfect fit" for a schedule of programming packed with aliens, paranoid conspiracy theories and alternative universes.

But the TV host's enthusiasm was tempered somewhat by Syfy spokesperson Tracy Klugian, who told reporters, "We warned Glenn that if he's going to be a good fit for Syfy he's going to have to tone down his act a bit.  Some of the stuff he did on Fox is a little too 'out there' for us."

Mr. Beck said that his new deal would run "until 2012 or the end of the world, whichever comes sooner," and that he would be paid in gold bouillon and ammo.

Meanwhile, Congress reassured the American people that during a government shutdown essential services would still be provided to Libya, Afghanistan and Iraq.

Cheaper Than an iPad 2: At End of Emails, Type ‘Sent from my iPad 2'

Millions Return Expensive Devices

CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report) – A clever work-around discovered by a tech-savvy tablet user has enabled millions of consumers to avoid buying Apple's heavily touted iPad 2: at the end of emails, they merely type, "Sent from my iPad 2."

Tracy Klugian, a self-described "gizmo fanatic" from Akron, Ohio came up with the ingenious solution after deciding that the iPad 2's price tag was too rich for his blood.

"I'm glad that this work-around will give non-iPad 2 owners the same thrill that people who spent $499 on it have been experiencing," he said.  "It's definitely a much cheaper way to go."

Across the country, millions of iPad 2 owners who learned about Mr. Klugian's inventive fix jammed Apple stores to return their devices, many of them purchased just days earlier.

"The only reason I bought an iPad 2 was to let people know that I owned an iPad 2," said Donnelly Rixon, 24, a self-described "asshole" from Sacramento.  "This wrecks everything."

An official statement from Apple indicated that the company would not accept returns of the costly devices, but assured consumers that the $499 price tag was well worth it: "The iPad 2 is the most amazing device in the history of the tablet, until the iPad 3, which will be released tomorrow."

Elsewhere, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) said she would run in the New Hampshire primary as soon as she figures out what state it's in.

NCAA Investigating Butler

Butler Hoops Team Under Investigation - AP

This just in...

INDIANAPOLIS--Butler's run in the NCAA Men's Basketball National Championship Game may be tarnished after reports surfaced today that all 13 players on the roster are being given good educations in an effort to help them find good jobs after they leave the school. "It's important to remember that right now these are only allegations -- allegations that we are looking into," said NCAA president James Isch.

"But, obviously, if true, this would be very disappointing. The NCAA has certain expectations and standards. It's not fair for players at one school to be given good educations while athletes at other member schools receive basic, remedial instruction that is worth essentially nothing." According to documents seized from the school's registrar's office, Butler players have received an education worth $38,616 per year totaling more than $150,000 over a four-year career.

Compare that to player at a school like Kentucky , where tuition is set at $4,051 -- but with an actual value far below that. "We don't want to say too much until these reports are confirmed," said Kentucky head basketball coach John Calipari. "But we're talking about almost $140,000 difference in education per player -- and that's even if my players stayed four years or graduated, which many of them do not. Then these Butler players are reportedly stepping into good jobs after graduation while my kids, if they don't make the NBA, have absolutely no job prospects or life skills. It's far from a balanced playing field. They are buying the best players by giving them a high-priced education."

In addition to the allegations that they were given an expensive education, many Butler players have been spotted around campus holding books, studying and engaging in interesting conversations. Others have been seen with people who are known to not be tutors. Butler point guard and Kentucky native Ronald Nored, who is reportedly a secondary education major, denied allegations that the Bulldog program is cheating.

"The discourse on this matter is fatuous and inane," he said, implicating the program further.

Quote of the Day

From Jimmy Fallon...referring to Prince William's recent bachelor party:
 
"It's gotta be weird, stuffing money into a stripper's bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."
 
 

Pvt Boudreaux

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, 
got called up to active duty.  Boudreaux's first assignment was in a 
military induction center. 
   
Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising 
new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to 
which they were entitled. 
   
The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% 
sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. 
   
This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 
per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was 
already providing at no charge.  The officer decided he'd sit in the 
back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales 
pitch. 
   
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If 
you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan   an' gets 
youself killed, da governmen' pays you beneficiary $20,000.  If you 
takes out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars 
a mons, den da governmen' gots ta pay you beneficiary $200,000!" 
   
"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta 
Afghanistan first?"
 
 
 
 
  
 
  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

Pulled over.....

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
 "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."