The Rabbi & the IRS

 

A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi.

He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."

Jehovah's Witness

There was a knock on the door this morning.

I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:  "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him coffee and asked "What  do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far before."

Exporting Democracy Has Led to Shortages of it in U.S., Experts Say

Wisconsin, Florida Hardest Hit

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – The U.S. policy of exporting democracy abroad has meant that there is very little of it left at home.

That is the grim assessment of a new study commissioned by the University of Minnesota, which predicts that if the U.S. continues to export democracy at its current pace it may completely run out of it at home by the year 2015.

"We have been exporting democracy to Afghanistan and Iraq while there are severe shortages of it in Wisconsin and Florida," said Professor Davis Logsdon, who supervised the study.  "This is madness."

Citing the study, Speaker of the House John Boehner said today, "It has been clear to me for some time that we must explore alternative forms of government, such as oligarchy or plutocracy."

Noting that democracy originated in Greece, Mr. Boehner added, "We must reduce our dependence on foreign sources of government."

The University of Minnesota study contains several proposals, such as outsourcing the U.S. government to the world's largest democracy, India.

"The work done by Congress could be accomplished much more efficiently by a series of electronic phone prompts," the study recommends.

But Mr. Boehner warned that eliminating Congress entirely would have disastrous effects: "That would destroy entire sectors of our economy, especially the prostitution industry."

Speaking from one of the states hardest hit by the democracy shortage, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker downplayed the seriousness of the problem, calling democracy "overrated."

"Teachers may teach our children that democracy is important," he said, "but the solution is to get rid of the teachers."