Trump Undecided About What Stupid Shit to Say Next

Longest Period of Speechlessness on Record, Experts Say

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - With the public's attention focused on the death of Osama bin Laden, billionaire Donald Trump huddled with advisors for the second straight day to try to decide what stupid shit to say next.

"The bin Laden thing has definitely stolen the headlines from Donald," said close associate and advisor Tracy Klugian.  "The only way he can grab them back is by doing what he does best: saying something really fucked up."

Trump's two-day hiatus from spewing messed up shit is the longest on record, experts say, adding to the pressure on the billionaire to break his silence with something truly craptastic.

To that end, he has closeted himself with a circle of advisors including the Rev. Pat Robertson, former NBA star Charles Barkley, and the former voice of the Aflac duck, Gilbert Gottfried.

Mr. Trump has drawn up a short list of verbal turds that have potential, including attacking President Obama for overdue library books during his grade school years, but so far he has failed to come up with a comment that is both objectionable and ill informed enough to meet his high standards.

"People don't know how much work goes into saying the stupid shit Donald says," Mr. Klugian said.  "He just makes it look easy."

Elsewhere, in another setback for al-Qaeda, the terror network confirmed today that Osama bin Laden was the only person who knew the organization's iTunes password.

Yes occifer

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.  
After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes
are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice
your eyes are glazed.  Have you been eating doughnuts?"

New Petition Favors Replacing Congress with SEAL Team Six

Elite Unit Gets Post-bin Laden Bounce

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In a startling measurement of public opinion since the successful mission to kill Osama bin Laden, Americans in record numbers are signing a petition to replace Congress with SEAL Team Six, the elite unit that took out the al-Qaeda madman.

The petition echoes the results of a new poll by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute, in which the Navy SEALS trounce Congress by a lopsided 97% to 2% margin, with the remaining 1% answering, "Superman."

Professor Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota said that the numbers behind the numbers were even more striking: "By a wide margin, Americans favor SEAL Team Six landing on the Capitol building with helicopters and taking out Congress by force."

Added Professor Logsdon, "There's a broad consensus out there that the Navy SEALs get things done, and that they would make C-Span more fun to watch."

News of the petition and the survey caught the attention of Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus, who issued a strongly worded denial of rumors that SEAL Team Six were practicing maneuvers on a life-size replica of the Capitol building  constructed inside an abandoned Linen 'n' Things in suburban Virginia.

In other post-bin Laden news, the White House said that they were "no longer concerned" about the American people being grossed out by images of Osama bin Laden: "After all, they've been looking at Trump for weeks."

Elsewhere, in reporting on Bin Laden's death, Fox News apologized for mispronouncing Barack Obama's name as "George W. Bush."

Read the Labels

I finally figured out why I look the way I do!

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle.  I am in shock!

The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! 

Seriously, why have I not noticed this before? 

Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap! It says right on the bottle, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

It pays to read the warning labels, my friends!

Old folks

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!"