Six times its normal size

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban
girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe,
would you please name the organ of the human body, which
under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times
its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins,
I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I
assure you my parents will hear of this."

With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins
called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.
Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of
the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe,
I have three things to say to you. One, you have not
studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And
three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Bin Laden's shocking plot revealed

 

Bin Laden Invested Millions in Company That Makes 3-oz. Bottles of Liquids and Gels

Seized Computers Yield Shocking Discovery

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In a shocking revelation gleaned from computers seized in his compound in Pakistan, Osama bin Laden spent millions of dollars investing in a company that makes 3-ounce bottles of liquid and gels.

According to CIA director Leon Panetta, Mr. bin Laden's fervor for investing in the tiny bottle company, Trav-L-Size Inc., may have dwarfed his passion for jihad.

"We haven't found anything in the computers that indicate Osama bin Laden wanted to rule the world," Mr. Panetta said.  "However, it is clear that he wanted to corner the market in 3-ounce bottles."

In addition to Mr. bin Laden's passion for 3-ounce bottles, seized computer files portray a man bent on controlling the world's supply of slip-on shoes and loafers.

"Over the last nine years, Osama bin Laden had poured millions of dollars into a company called Reid Loafer Inc., founded by the so-called 'shoe bomber' Richard Reid," he said.

Mr. Panetta said that the CIA still has much to learn about Mr. bin Laden's years as a fugitive, but said the fact that he lived in Pakistan for six years without phone service "suggests the involvement of AT&T."

In other bin Laden news, Mr. Panetta said Mr. bin Laden's dying words were, "On the plus side, this is going to totally screw Trump."

Elsewhere, a Pakistani military spokesman denied any connection with the fallen al Qaeda leader, stating, "We were just Facebook friends."

And in what some see as conclusive proof that Osama bin Laden is dead, Dick Cheney appeared on Fox to take credit for it.

A Soldier and not so Gentleman

A soldier was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was stationed there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she wrote that she had slept with two
guys while he had been gone.

She wanted to break up and requested that he send back her picture.

The soldier did what any squared away man would do: He went around to all his buddies and collected all the unwanted photographs of women.

He then mailed about 25 of the pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: "I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."

Logistics - wild widdow

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.  They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
 
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.  He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.  However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
 
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.  She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
 
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.  We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..  How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady!  I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.  How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.