The most controversial idea ever

New Law, 'No Politician Left Behind,' Would Pay Congressmen Based on Performance

Controversial Law Draws Howls of Protest from Lawmakers

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – A government think-tank today proposed a controversial new law, "No Politician Left Behind," which would pay congressmen solely on the basis of performance.

The law, which was proposed by the University of Minnesota's Institute of Government, "would make a serious dent in the Federal deficit because few if any congressmen would ever have to be paid," said the Institute's director, Davis Logsdon.

"Right now, congressmen get paid even when they storm out of budget negotiations in a hissy fit," Mr. Logsdon said.  "Under this new law, the rule would be, no budget, no paycheck."

The idea of being paid per accomplishment drew howls of protest from lawmakers, many claiming that if the law were enacted it would result in their financial ruin.

"If passed, this law would be tantamount to the establishment of 'Work Panels,' which would determine whether individual congressmen are accomplishing anything," said Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA).  "I, for one, would be in deep, deep trouble."

"I'm fairly sure that this law is unconstitutional," said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). "Now, I have never actually read the Constitution, but if this law were passed I would probably be forced to read it or live in a cardboard box."

House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said that creating performance standards for lawmakers was "an insult to the institution of Congress."

"We have spent millions of dollars, some of it out of our own pockets, to get to Washington," he said.  "We did not come here to be treated like teachers." 

The Girl talk

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

"Whoa," replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

Niece and Nephew

Bubba's pregnant sister was in a bad car accident, which  caused her to

fall into a deep coma.  After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that
she was no longer pregnant.  Frantically, she asked the doctor about her
baby.

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins - a  boy and a girl.  The babies
are fine.  Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thought to herself, "Oh, no! Not  Bubba; he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's
name?"   "Denise," the doctor answers.  The new mother says, "Wow!
That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong about my brother.  I really
like the name 'Denise.'  " What's the boy's name?" 

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

 

A Perfect Shot

A guy is standing over his tee shot, looking up, looking

down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction
and speed...

His partner says, "What's taking so long?"

The first guy says, "My wife is on the clubhouse porch,
so I want to make a perfect shot."

His partner says, "Forget it...you'll never hit her from here."

The Heroic Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female,

faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel
came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to
them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm
going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes,
in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap
of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon
dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a
good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from
the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel,
winking conspiratorially.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to
the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you
hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head."